This Just In: News That Stays News

A forlorn Representative Wilbur Wright watches his office door, still hoping to be indicted

WISCONSIN REPUBLICAN NOT BEING INVESTIGATED

Puzzled Congressman Awaits Subpoena, Phone Call, Knock at the Door, “Something”

Washington--House Representative Wilbur Wright, R-Wisconsin, periodically pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, turns it on and off, and stares at it in disbelief. As the only Republican in Washington not currently being investigated for perjury, fraud, or unethical conduct, Wright is feeling alienated.

“Frankly, this is more than puzzling,” Wright stated at a sparsely attended Saturday morning press conference. “I’m as ruthless as the next guy. I don’t understand it.”

Wright brushes off supporters who point out that Washington agencies may simply have run out of investigators. “They’ve got time for Halliburton, Halliburton’s subsidiaries, Halliburton’s subsidiaries’ subsidiaries, two-bit Republican embezzlers and kick-back schemers in Iraq, Scooter Libby, Karl Rove, Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, Jack Abramoff, Ralph Reed, Robert Ney, the Republican governors of Ohio and Connecticut, the mayor of Spokane, even small time crooks like David Safavian and Tim Flanigan—I mean, come on, I’m a friggin Congressman, I deserve some attention.”

Sources close to Mr. Wright say he is planning on turning himself in for “unspecified misconduct” when Congress returns from recess.

Education

TEACHER TRIES TO "GET DOWN WITH HOMIES"
New Jargon-Infusion Program Goes Terribly Awry

Santa Fe--In a vain attempt to improve communications with his students at the College of Indian Art, Professor of English Dave Jonas last week began infusing his curriculum with jargon he picked up during a weekend spent skateboarding with his twelve year old son.

Professor Jonas startled his students Monday morning when he stood outside the door, greeting each student by saying "word" or "word up" and making odd pointing gestures with his fingers. At one point just before entering the classroom, Professor Jonas made what he later confided was "a gang sign."

Jim Jackson, a sophomore creative writing major, was amused to learn that Professor Jonas was attempting a gang sign. "I though he was making shadow puppets--it looked just like a rabbit."

Other students were equally amused. Kelly Gonzalez, a junior majoring in museum studies, said Professor Jonas's approach was "kinda kute, you know, like where cute is spelled with a 'k'." Asked if she'd paid closer attention to Professor Jonas's lecture, she said she couldn't recall anything he'd said after he followed the students into the classroom.

Professor Jonas had a more upbeat reading. "They were down wid my beats today. They know a playa when they see one. We be chillin' in my crib again on Friday."

Jim Cook, Dean of Arts and Cultural Studies, announced that he, too, will be "'chillin' in Professor Jonas's 'crib' on Friday."

Education

COLLEGE PRESIDENT ATTACHES "CENTRIC" SUFFIX INDISCRIMINATELY
"Culture-centric" Activities, He Notes, to be Followed by "Arts-centric" Program and "Health-centric" Dinner

Education

PROFESSOR SETS RECORD FOR "IS'S" IN AFTERNOON LECTURE
Linguistics Expert: "What It Is Is a Problem With 'Is's'"

Science in the News

NEW STUDY SHOWS ESKIMOS HAVE ONLY THREE WORDS FOR SNOW
They Do, However, Have Thirty-Eight Words for "Nosey White Guy with a Notebook"

Local News Headlines

CHOIR SENDS MESSAGE TO PREACHER: ENOUGH ALREADY!

Local News

In bold move, local teen activist Charles Spurrier displays "bumper" sticker on car trunk

DARING POLITICAL ACTIVIST DRIVES BUMPER-STICKERED CAR THROUGH LARGELY REPUBLICAN SECTION OF TOWN

Driver “Changing the World One Errand at a Time”

Albuquerque—Sporting a red-lettered “STOP THE WAR” sticker on the trunk of his battered white Toyota Tercel, anti-war activist Charles Spurrier made what he called a “late afternoon raid” on a Republican stronghold when he decided to purchase his latte at a Rio Grande-area Starbucks. “I could have gone to Nob Hill on the university side of town,” an exhilarated Spurrier said. “But I wanted to make a stand.” The dangerous afternoon mission went unnoticed by residents of the Rio Grande district, who were following a late afternoon stock market rally on their wi-fied laptops at the time.

Education

SUICIDE BOMBER PROVES POOR CAREER CHOICE

Earnings, Benefits Pale Compared to Alternatives

Palestine--A new study commissioned by the Pan-Arab Employment Agency shows that suicide bomber, a career favored by a growing number of Arab youth, is actually a poor overall choice. Despite a recent increase in payments to surviving families of suicide bombers from $10,000 to $25,000, the long term earnings of even camel-dung shovelers far exceed those of suicide bombers.

Experts compared suicide bomber to a number of other jobs available to Arab youth on several criteria--wages, job security, opportunities for advancement, relative safety of the work environment, and benefits. In each case, suicide bomber finished at or near the bottom of the scale.

Guidance counselors at West Palestine High say they generally discourage teens from pursuing a career as a suicide bomber. At a recent Career Day, no one was minding the suicide bomber booth despite the long lines of young prospective bombers. But the absence of an actual suicide bomber was not, officials say, a deliberate manipulation.

"Actually," said Rahim al Quira, Assistant Guidance Counselor, "it's difficult to find an actual suicide bomber to come speak to the children. Several near-suicide bombers have come forward, but even with their missing limbs and shrapnel wounds, the students consider them failures, so they make poor role models."

Local News

“INTELLIGENT DESIGN” PONDERS NAME CHANGE

Local Interior Decorators Flooded with Calls About the Evils of Evolution

Santa Fe—“We’re just trying to get the sofa in the right place,” says designer Janine Wright from her perch atop an oak and red velvet barstool at the offices of Intelligent Design, a ten year old Santa Fe interior design firm. “That’s a little hard to do when you’re fielding calls about flagelli and gaps in the fossil record.”

James Fuller, Wright’s business partner and lead designer, agreed. “We’re really just concerned with the evolution of the client’s home. I can’t be explaining punctuated equilibrium’s efficacy as an alternate explanation for the gaps in the record. I just can’t. Not while I’m struggling to pull my fabrics together.”

The two are pondering a name change, but at present have not settled on a suitable moniker.

This Just In: News That Stays News

REPUBLICANS WAFFLE ON ROE V. WADE
Reversal Expected to Produce an Additional One Million Democratic Voters Per Year

Dallas—At a meeting of Evangelicals for a Christian Government in Dallas this week, leading Christian thinkers were reconsidering their push to overturn Roe v. Wade, making abortion illegal once again.

Ralph Reedy, Imperial Wizard of the group, addressed the concerns in his keynote address. “While the Lord’s directive is clear, the political ramifications are murky. The demographics suggest that most of the nearly one million currently legal abortions in this country occur among the poor, among African-Americans, Latinos, and financially-challenged Caucasians. Frankly, there are not many conservative Republicans in that group. So imagine, if you will, the exponential growth of the Democratic Party in the wake of an abortion ban.”

Attendees at the conference were stunned by Reedy’s computations. A chastened Susie Higgins, who had arrived at the keynote exuberantly waving a photo of an aborted fetus, seemed distraught when asked about the speech. “It’s food for thought,” she said. “But I’m thinking if we can cut entitlements like Medicaid and food stamps and welfare, we might be able to, you know, cut into that Democratic advantage. Then there’s always the prison system. Prisoners can’t vote, can they?”

The ECG is expected to issue a position paper by the end of the week refining their position. Reedy himself was troubled by the conundrum. “I think Susie has a point,” he said as he toweled down after his speech. “We must either continue aborting Democrats or find a way to imprison them before they turn eighteen. I think we have a pretty good record on imprisonment, so we may be able to satisfy both God and the party.”

Movie Listings

Bring It On III, Cineplex South, 3:20, 5:00, 6:40, 8:20, 9:50. Comic romp stars George W. Bush as a young man who dresses as a female cheerleader to dodge National Guard service. Mayhem ensues. Rated PG.

U.S. Headlines

REPUBLICANS PUT BUSH IN "TIME OUT"

Won't Be Allowed At the Dinner Table Until He Does Something About His Approval Ratings

Judicial Watch

CONGRESS LOOKS FORWARD TO DENYING BENEFITS TO ADDITIONAL ONE MILLION CHILDREN PER YEAR

Likely Reversal of Roe v. Wade Promises Benefit-Denying Bonanza

Washington, D.C.--The Republican Congress, about to approve $54 billion in cuts to Head Start, food stamp, free lunch, medicare, and college loan programs for the current generation of poverty-stricken young people, was abuzz this morning with the possibility of denying such benefits from an additional one million children per year. That possibility, fueled by Monday's reports on Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito's position on Roe v. Wade, caused a cheer to rise from House Republicans.

Republican Representative Ron Paul of Texas was elated at the possibility. "This is a great opportunity to cause some real visible suffering," he said from the floor of the House. "Too often we'll pass a bill and not really see the efffects because they happen in areas I simply won't allow my driver to take me. But this--an additional million people a year going hungry and uneducated. This will be big! It will make those of us who have worked hard for our money feel a little better to see the poor lazy folks get what they deserve."

Charles Allgood, head of the Big Box Lobbying Group was equally enthused. "Now we can really put the squeeze on our work force. Folks'll be climbing over each other to be WalMart greeters."

President Bush, questioned during a White House brunch with the Haves and the Have Mores, a major Republican fundraising group, was upbeat. "Look," he said. "We have almost eight million millionaires in this country. Many of them are so busy making and counting their money they don't have time to reproduce. The way I see it, many of these unwanted children--if they're cute and white and smile big, and if we can pass that $100 billion tax cut and get rid of that pesky inheritance tax--have the chance to be little millionaires."

Midterm Elections 2006

BUSH LAMENTS LOSS OF 1,652 REPUBLICAN VOTERS IN IRAQ

U.S. Headlines

CONGRESS OKAYS “JUST SLAPPIN’ ‘EM AROUND A LITTLE”
Democrats’ Bill to Allow Hot Lights, Rolled Up Sleeves, Cigarette Smoke, Styrofoam Coffee Cups, Tough Talk, Table Banging Fails to Get Out of Committee

World Headlines

BUSH TO SYRIA: "STOP EXPORTING VIOLENCE AND START IMPORTING DEMOCRACY"
Syrians Reply: "Bush Said That?"

This Just In: News That Stays News

PRESIDENT BUSH LASHES OUT AT CRITICS OF ENVIRONMENTAL POLICY

Critics "Undermine War Against the Environment"

Washington--In a speech before The Heritage Foundation think tank today, President Bush had his harshest words yet for critics of his environmental policy, saying they are undermining American miners and loggers on the front lines of the struggle.

"The war on the environment will not be easily won," Bush said to the assembled tankers. "Some will approach this fight with a defeatist attitude. Some will question the intelligence that led us into this war. But the stakes in the global war on the environment are too high, the national interest too important to let political ideologues level false charges." His opening salvo was roundly applauded by the conservative foundation.

"We have made strides," he continued. "Hurricane Karina was a setback, it's true. But we are winning the war on the environment. We have levelled forests, reduced air quality, despoiled pristine wilderness with our oil-drilling technology, and we are planning to eliminate a number of endangered and threatened species with one act of sweeping legislation."

"We will never back down. We will never give in. We will never accept anything less than complete victory," Bush said in his most impassioned speech yet on the environment.

Bush said the United States and its allies are determined to keep the environment from gaining control of any country. The president's remarks at the The Heritage Foundation were part of the administration's effort to bolster waning U.S. public support for the war.

U.S. Headlines

BUSH BLAMES DEMOCRATS FOR OUTBREAK OF BLAMING
President Points Finger at Finger Pointers

U.S. Headlines

BUSH ADMINISTRATION FIRST SELF-PARODYING ADMINISTRATION IN U.S. HISTORY
Satire Writers Have Nothing to Add

World Headlines

CHRISTIAN GOD ANNOUNCES NEW RECRUITING STRATEGY: MORE WAR, MORE SUFFERING, MORE POVERTY

Pestilence, Famine Also Likely

U.S. Headlines

AS ALITO'S NOMINATION GOES FORWARD, HALLIBURTON SUBSIDIARY PLANS NEW ILLEGAL ABORTION CLINIC

Books

NEW TRANSLATION OF CHARLES BERNSTEIN'S SELECTED POEMS SET FOR U.S. RELEASE

Boston--Unnecesary Books, a small press in Cambridge, Massachusetts, has set a January 2006 release date for poet Charles Bernstein's Selected Poems, translated by Janine Brossard. This is the first English language edition of Bernstein's poetry.

This Just In: News That Stays News

CROWD AT W.S. MERWIN POETRY READING SETS NEW RECORD FOR HMMMS

Lensic Crowd Hmms After All But One Poem

Santa Fe—The audience at Wednesday’s sold-out W.S. Merwin reading at the Lensic Theater set a new world record for hmms, breaking the previous mark set at a Merwin reading at the Napa Valley Writers Conference in 2004. Merwin, known for his short, Zen-influenced, enigmatic poems, has broken his own hmming record 56 times, dating back to a landmark 1992 College of Santa Fe reading.

Aware that a record-breaking performance was in the offing, Carl Johnson, a veteran hmmer, traveled from San Francisco to witness the feat. “I knew we were in for a good night,” a beaming Johnson offered, “when the audience hmmed after Robert Hass’s rather faltering reading of a Merwin poem during the introduction. That just never happens.”

There were several nerve-wracking minutes of delayed hmming during the first few poems that Merwin read, but by mid-reading the hmms were blossoming spontaneously in every corner of the old theater.

A sweat-drenched Merwin, recovering from the record-setting performance backstage, smiled broadly and flung his fist in the air when Hass arrived to pound fists and chest-bump the elder poet. “It was a freakin’ hmmfest out there,” Merwin said. “I had them hmming out of my hand.”

An apologetic Lydia Johnson, a staffer at the Lensic, was among the first audience members to congratulate Merwin. "That was wonderful," she said in a tiny voice. After attempting to clear her throat, she continued. "I'm sorry. I'm hoarse from hmming."

By the end of the evening, the sold-out theater audience had hmmed audibly after all but one very short poem. Audience member Jon Davis, interviewed after the show, was distraught. “I would have hmmed at the one, too. It was just so short that I didn’t realize it was over. By the time I was ready to hmm, Merwin was already onto another poem. It was an infinitely hmmable poem. It was just a timing thing. I could kick myself.”