Voyd of Course

The Conservative View

2012-02-03T12:18:00.002-07:00

Local News

2011-12-16T07:46:00.002-07:00

Only One Animate Object on Man’s List of “Things He’s Thankful For”

Wife, Daughters Express Disappointment

The Williams family’s Thanksgiving dinner was marred when Karl Williams, husband and father of two lovely daughters, ticked off the things he was thankful for and listed only one animate object, Charlie, his golden retriever, at number 7.

After his lovely and eloquent wife Giselle spoke movingly about how thankful she was for her husband’s warmth and understanding and for their two beautiful and intelligent daughters, Mr. Williams eagerly addressed the theme. After listing the new iPhone 4S, his iPad, his new cashmere metallic Lexis LS, his half-empty bottle of Laphroaig, his new calfskin driving gloves, and the 1951 Fender Stratocaster that he recently purchased on e-Bay, he turned to the smiling, expectant faces of his family, saying he was also thankful “for the love and affection of his best friend in the world, Charlie.”

In a brief statement to the press, Giselle and daughters, Fawn, 12, and Carly, 9, said only that “while they, too, appreciated Charlie’s presence in their family, they thought it appropriate to also be thankful for the sentient, two-legged members of the family, at least some of whom occasionally appear among the accoutrements and largely wireless electronics that occupy most of Mr. Williams’ time.”

In response, Mr. Williams asked Siri to text the family that he loved them.

After the Poetry Workshop

2011-05-26T19:38:00.001-06:00

Creative Writhing

2011-05-26T19:34:00.000-06:00

Narcotraficantes

2011-05-26T19:32:00.001-06:00

Narcotraficantes by Chuck Calabreze

U.S. News

2011-03-06T10:35:00.006-07:00

Dr. Curtis Sauer (right) discusses revisions with senior Texas Tech Creative Writing major Aaron Verlag

CONCEALED WEAPONS PROVE SURPRISINGLY USEFUL IN TEXAS TECH PROFESSOR’S CREATIVE WRITING WORKSHOPS

by Staff Writer Charles Calabreze

Lubbock, Texas--It’s a Tuesday afternoon in March, and Dr. Curtis Sauer is leading his level one Poetry Writing Workshop on the third floor of the English / Philosophy building. Sunlight washes over the clutter of backpacks, books, and notebooks. He’s gathered the students into a semi circle. The class is working through a poem by junior English major Arlen Kammerer. The students have pointed out lines and images that work, others that don’t, and made some suggestions on word choices and line breaks. Now it’s Dr. Sauer’s turn to summarize the class’s work and add some comments of his own.

Sauer eases into the critique. “I know you’re fond of the verb ‘squirm’ in line four,” he says, glancing over his glasses at Kammerer, “but that’s pretty average compared to the language of the rest of the poem. I’d suggest trying something else there.”

Kammerer suddenly straightens in his chair. “Wait a minute,” he says firmly. “I’m drawing the line on that one. I reckon I’ll be keeping ‘squirm.’”

In less time than it takes to recite “The Red Wheelbarrow,” Sauer reaches inside his jacket, rips his vintage Smith & Wesson .38 Special out of its shoulder holster, wraps one arm around the neck of Kammerer’s girlfriend Cassie Watson, and points the pistol at her temple. A startled Kammerer reaches for his own weapon, but it’s too late.

“Okay, I’ll change it,” he says, adding meekly, “any suggestions?”

Sauer’s voice is steady. “Change it to ‘writhes,’” he commands. And when Kammerer stares blankly, Sauer presses the barrel closer. “Now.”

Kammerer nervously scribbles the change on his manuscript, and Sauer sets the shaken Watson free. Sauer works his way through the rest of Kammerer’s poems without incident.

With the recent passage of a Texas law permitting concealed weapons in Texas university classrooms, professors in the Texas Tech Creative Writing Program are working to turn what might have seemed a crisis into an opportunity. Dr. Sauer, called “one of the best gunslinger poets in America,” by Sam Snead, Chairman of the Creative Writing Program, is a pioneer in that effort. “Nobody works harder at his craft than Dr. Sauer,” Dr. Snead says. “He’s down in the firing range every morning from seven to nine.” Time Sauer once spent poring over poems and preparing lectures on line breaks and image-making is now spent drawing and firing in the underground shooting range beneath the English / Philosophy building. On one recent morning Sauer worked on his quick draw from a seated position, whipping the pistol from his shoulder holster again and again until the movement was smooth, the shots accurate and consistent.

The National Rifle Association was correct, Sauer admits. Even with a roomful of concealed handguns, the wounds have been minor, most of them the result of warning shots ricocheting off classroom walls, and all but a few have been treatable using the classroom first aid kits. Though Sauer himself walks with a slight limp, the result of a disagreement over a line break that was resolved with an exchange involving small-caliber handguns, he remains a staunch advocate of violence, or at least the threat of violence, in the classroom.

“What’s been most gratifying,” Sauer says, “is how quickly and enthusiastically students adapt my revision suggestions. An outbreak like the one you witnessed today,” he continues, “is unusual. Most times if I say this poem should be in iambic pentameter, the student starts scanning immediately. If I say read a sonnet, they read a fucking sonnet. If I say Pound’s Cantos by Thursday they’re ‘setting keel to breakers’ by class’s end.”

Unlike some of his colleagues, Sauer embraced the change in classroom protocol. “I usually try to fire a few warning rounds when I’m introducing the syllabus. Then I’ll graze a particularly contentious student during the first workshop. Nothing serious. I just crease a little flesh—just enough to get my point across.”

It’s little wonder, given Sauer’s pedagogical prowess, that his students are winning prizes and publishing poems at an astonishing rate. Sauer’s teaching evaluations are similarly excellent. He wins accolades even from students he has maimed. Kurt Verlang, a second year student in the PhD in Creative Writing Program, is quick to credit Sauer. Speaking from his room in Memorial Hospital, he is effusive in his praise. “I remember,” he says, “the first time I brought a poem into workshop. Dr. Sauer wanted me to consider a change in form. I mean, he wanted me to recast my long line poem as a prose poem. I said, ‘Over my dead body.’ I was young and cocky. What did I know? In a second, he had his weapon out, pointed straight into my face. ‘That can be arranged,’ he said. I’ll never forget it. We haven’t had a disagreement since. Well, until this week, when I resisted turning a simile into a metaphor and he winged me. But it’s nothing, really.” He holds up his bandaged left arm. “I’ll be back in class on Thursday.”

Sauer readily admits his marksmanship left something to be desired at first. “In the first couple of weeks, I took out a couple of windows, a blackboard, grazed a T.A. But twelve hours a week in the firing range have done wonders.” Such diligence will, Sauer hopes, serve him well in his upcoming tenure review. “I haven’t actually published any poems in a while, but I’ve won several quick draw competitions both locally and nationally.” More telling—and more useful for his tenure prospects—Sauer has not been drawn on in the last four weeks. Sauer goes up for tenure in the fall. Asked about his prospects, he taps his concealed weapon. His lips curl into a thin smile. “Oh,” he says, his eyes shining, “I think we’ll do just fine.”

U.S. Headlines

2010-05-30T14:48:00.003-06:00

NEW BP PLAN CALLS FOR TURNING GULF INTO GIANT FRYOLATOR
GOVERNOR JINDAL AND CHEF JUSTIN WILSON PLAN "BIG OL' CAJUN FISH FRY"

Quote of the Day

2009-10-17T08:42:00.001-06:00

"Cell phones are the new yawn."

--Chuck Calabreze

from The Devil's New Dictionary

2009-10-17T08:29:00.002-06:00

Dawn, n., That singular moment when one has forgotten yesterday's miseries and has yet to encounter today's.

from The Devil's New Dictionary

2009-10-17T07:46:00.002-06:00

Funeral, n., A solemn gathering that signals the end of a life and the beginning of a potluck.

U.S. News

2009-10-14T12:26:00.011-06:00

Left, family members of Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor disrupt court proceedings. Below, other family members rest after day spent frolicking in reflecting pool.

CONCERNS RAISED OVER SUPREME COURT JUSTICE SONIA SOTOMAYOR’S BEHAVIOR
“We Told You So!” Say Conservative Critics of First Latina Justice

(AP)—Just two months into her tenure at the Supreme Court, Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor has already raised alarms among at least two of her fellow justices. Chief Justice John Roberts reported today that he has fielded “numerous complaints” about Justice Sotomayor’s behavior from Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. Roberts is reportedly investigating those complaints, as well as reports from Supreme Court staff members and parking attendants.

The most recent incident apparently occurred last Thursday, October 7, when Associate Justice Sotomayor reportedly “slept in,” arriving shortly before noon with a dozen of her extended family members, many of them half-asleep, in tow. They proceeded to climb on the furniture and “muck up” Sotomayor’s already cluttered office. Speaking in rapid-fire Spanish, the Sotomayor clan kept up “a non-stop babbling” that upset proceedings in the chambers.

When staff members returned from lunch, they reported seeing Sotomayor’s rusted Plymouth Bonneville parked next to the wading pool with all the doors open, blasting “some kind of Spanish music.” Family members had spread out a picnic on the concrete apron around the pool and, ignoring the “no swimming or wading” signs, several family members were frolicking in the pool itself.

Finally, Justice Sotomayor showed up for the afternoon session with a forty of Colt 45 in a paper bag. Swigging to punctuate her remarks, she then proceeded to launch her minority opinion from the back row. Head bobbing and one hand on her hip, she shouted, “Whachu mean, Mr. Big Justicio? Que lastima! It hurts my corazon cuando you talk like that, ese. You know whachu you can do? You can take your majority opinion and shove it up your blanco ass, senor!”

Justice Antonin Scalia, author of the majority opinion, stormed from the chambers, calling Sotomayor’s behavior “entirely inappropriate.” Witnesses say Justice Sotomayor followed Scalia to his car, shouting over and over, “Eeee, you’re one tough hombre!” Later, she joined her family in the wading pool, performing an impromptu poolside mambo in her dripping robes.

Reached for comment on Friday, a still-impassioned Justice Sotomayor said, “What tha fock? You can’t have a little fun in this town?”

NEWS ROUNDUP: SENATOR EDWARD KENNEDY

2009-08-26T13:48:00.007-06:00

John Fitzgerald Kennedy (left rear) with unidentified Kennedy family member (right front)

SENATOR TED KENNEDY SHOWS UP FOR SENATE VOTE DESPITE HIS RECENT DEATH

Meanwhile, His Autobiography, A Legacy of Doggedness, Rockets to Number 3,473,567 on Amazon

Hyannis Port, MA--Ted Kennedy, the most boring of the Kennedy brothers, died yesterday after a somber withering away that took several months. It was a fitting end for the man who kept showing up for work long after his more fabulous brothers and several fabulous nephews were struck down in the primes of their fabulous lives. Asked to reflect on his 46 years in the Senate, Kennedy was direct. “I wish I’d died in a fiery crash or at the hands of a lunatic assassin,” he said. “Then I’d be a hero instead of this old bloviator growing thicker and paler behind a conference table.” Kennedy voted “yes” today, the day after his death, on a bill he co-sponsored, authorizing Congress to levy and collect fines on overdue books held by public library patrons who make in excess of $250,000 per year.

Kennedy had several shots at an early, tragic death, but managed to survive a late night swim in a Chappaquiddick Island reservoir, a ski jump in Wyoming, a saddle bronc ride in Montana, a 1964 plane crash, and a night of heavy drinking in Palm Beach. Many believe he’d have been a more effective legislator had he died young and tragically. “It’s clear,” said Charles Bowden, Professor of Twentieth Century American History at Georgetown University, “that both John and Robert had a greater influence on politics from beyond the grave than Ted had from his seat in congress.” President Barack Obama agreed. “It’s always good to have Ted around, but JFK got me elected.”

Ted Kennedy’s autobiography, A Legacy of Doggedness, has failed to capture the public’s imagination, and the movie “inspired” by the book, starring the late Tim Conway as Ted Kennedy, was dubbed My Dinner Without Andre by Elvis Mitchell, the Times’ film critic. “Imagine that film,” Mitchell wrote, “without Andre–and, well, without dinner—and you have The Ted Kennedy Story.” Last minute attempts to “spice up the movie” with Ted, his son Patrick, and nephew William, jogging along Palm Beach “Baywatch” style failed to excite moviegoers. After a brief run in suburban Massachusetts’ theaters, the film went straight to DVD.

In Massachusetts, Governor Deval Patrick declared September 1^st Ted Kennedy Day and asked that citizens celebrate by “relentlessly plodding through their dreary, insignificant lives.” Those who felt ambitious and wanted to celebrate the day were invited to appear on C-SPAN to explain the workings of some unpopular, unsexy piece of arcane legislature to an audience of the apathetic and the hearing-challenged. Plans for an annual parade were sent to committee for further study.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

2009-08-13T07:22:00.007-06:00

Left: Former Michael Jackson manager Tom Mandible with his dog, Jacko, in his office "adjacent to" Rodeo Drive

REBUFFED JACKSON MANAGER: “I TOLD YOU SO”
Tom Mandible Advised Jackson to Die in Yearly Business Plans as Early as 2002

Los Angeles--Citing the 100 million dollars in revenue, the 100 million dollar movie deal, and pending deals for books, CDs, and novelty items--all since Jackson’s heart attack 48 days ago--former Michael Jackson manager Tom Mandible stood at Jackson’s grave Wednesday and said quietly, “I told you so.”

In business plans presented to the popular singer over the last ten years, Mandible had “strongly suggested” that, rather than tour or make a new CD, the singer should simply die. “Look at Elvis, I told him. Sure he sold some records when he was alive, but after he collapsed on his throne, the king was absolutely golden.” But, year after fiscally disastrous year, Jackson “scoffed” at Mandible’s proposal.

“The business model is solid. It starts with Jesus Christ,” Mandible said while he huddled in a Rodeo Drive doorway and dismantled a pack of crumbled cheese-flavored crackers. “You think anyone’s talking about Jesus this and Jesus that, the light of the world, all that, if he doesn’t die on the cross? You think he’s got any marketing legs if he lives to 85 and dies in a rest home on the shores of the Red Sea crocheting shrouds or whatever? No. Death sells. Early death sells absolutely. Write it down.”

Mandible, homeless since Jackson fired him in 2006, wears a single rhinestone-studded glove, in honor of the late singer. “No hard feelings,” he says. “It’s just . . . I wish he’d listened. I could have made a difference.”

When asked about Mandible’s claims, Jermaine Jackson, spokesman for the Jackson estate, was contrite. “Tom’s correct,” he said. “Michael considered the Death Option many times. He took it seriously. We discussed it, but it just seemed too drastic. It’s a big step. You can’t go with the Death Option and then say, ‘OK, that didn’t work. What do you want to do next? The Resurrection Option?’ I mean, that worked once, but what’d Christ have? Like, one book, right? We wanted something sustainable.”

Meanwhile other washed-up singers and actors, watching Jackson’s sales figures, have been seeking out Mandible’s advice. Tom Fogerty, a founding member, with his more talented brother John, of Creedence Clearwater Revival, is among those who have called. “Rather than do the casino tour, maybe this death thing will work for us,” said Fogerty. Fogerty has been on the casino circuit with his new band, Creedence Cleardaughter Revival, a band which features Fogerty’s daughter, Clamidia, singing the songs Tom's more talented brother John made famous.

Mandible is quick to point out that the “Death Option” only works for a handful. “Dylan,” he said. “Dylan should die. A few others. Madonna, of course. I’d advise Madonna to pursue the Death Option – after a steep decline in creativity and sales, of course. But I’d advise her to stop working out and to begin eating poorly right now, maybe begin popping some pills or whatever, to facilitate her sudden tragic end.”

Meanwhile, in London, surviving members of Cream have postponed a reunion tour while Eric Clapton considers the “Death Option.” “Clapton,” said Mandible, pulling his sleeping bag closer against the evening chill, “Clapton I would consider. It’s a risk, but he should call me. We should talk.”

Quote of the Day

2008-02-29T05:44:00.002-07:00

"Poetry doesn't explain the world; it unexplains it."

--Chuck Calabreze, Future Poet Laureate

U.S. News

2008-02-29T05:33:00.005-07:00

FOUNDER OF "CHUCKISMO" PREDICTS MOVEMENT WILL SWEEP THROUGH POETRY ESTABLISHMENT "LIKE A CLOUD OF SMOKE FROM A DUMP FIRE"
Noxious, Depressing Poetry Movement Threatens to Obscure Hard-Won Clarity of Dominant "New Statesmanism"

Santa Fe--He looks like an aging biker who lost his way (and, apparently, his Harley) somewhere between Barstow and Vegas. Dressed in faded, baggy cargo pants, a T-Shirt emblazoned with a skull and crossbones and a slogan--"Write to Live, Live to Write"--wraparound sunglasses and a flame-emblazoned do-rag, Chuck Calabreze could not look less like Dana Gioia, the man Chuck Calabreze says is destroying American literature.

"Hey, I've got an idea," Calabreze croaks in a voice half-Tom Waits and half-Hermoine Gingold. "Let's invigorate American literature by performing Shakespeare's plays on U.S. military bases!" Calabreze pauses, then after a moment of muddled silence, during which he appears genuinely puzzled by virtually everything, he starts up again. "Wait. I know. Let's have a contest to see who can recite 'Charge of the Light Brigade' best!"

In Chuck Calabreze's alternate universe, he's making plans for when he gains control of the reins of state. "You know," he says, his arms flailing, then settling--both of them--atop his do-ragged head, "the reciting thing ain't half bad. But." In a typical radically-enjambed Calabreze moment, a long silence--a Robert Creeley-style line break-- follows the "but." "But," he finally begins again, eyes skyward now, as if the poetry grail is being revealed to him above the nearby mall, "but, I think it'd be cute to see sixth graders reciting Charles Bukowski poems. That's it. A nation of sixth graders reciting Bukowski! Now that's building good citizenship!"

In the unlikely event that Chuck Calabreze ever achieves power in the U.S. poetry world, the dress code would have to change. "Yeah," I can't see myself in the blue suit and red tie power-dressing mode," Mr. Calabreze says. He lifts one foot off the ground and pulls his pants leg up to reveal a battered, unlaced Doc Martin. "They'll want me to tie these things, huh?" he says, swatting at the loose laces. "That," he says, pointing bootward, his voice climbing several registers, "is a bad example for the children, Mr. Calabreze."

"My next book," Calabreze says, "is going to be about farm implements and Christmas pageants. It'll be a celebration of xenophobic life in small-town America. I'd pre-order on Amazon right now, if I were you." He pauses to swat at an imaginary fly. "Some people will say I'm pandering to the lowest common denominator." He trails off, seemingly spent, then suddenly re-inflated, bellows, "But I prefer to think of it as my Trojan horse."

The image of Mr. Calabreze emerging from that Trojan horse at the center of government in Washington, DC, sends chills through many poets, Mr. Gioia included. "Mr. Calabreze represents the worst anti-social traits associated with poets," Mr. Gioia said over coffee and croissants at the Nancy Hanks Center. "He dresses poorly, smells rank, and has sub-par dentition. He's a throwback to the fifties when the Beats and their fellow street poets--all of whom I've been diplomatic about in my public pronouncements and my writings, I might add--felt obliged to rub ordinary Americans' faces in their ordinariness. Do I think a Calabreze laureateship would be good for American poetry? In a word: no."

But the ground is swelling for just such an appointment. Followers of Chuckismo, a poetry movement founded by Mr. Calabreze, have approached all of the major presidential candidates with petitions--and complimentary T-shirts--encouraging the appointment of Chuck Calabreze to the position of Poet Laureate. Some observers report that Hillary Clinton was spotted wearing the Chuckismo T-shirt during a recent campaign stop in Rapid City.

Aware of the campaign, Gioia is resigned. "All the work I've done," he laments, "convincing people that poets are reasonable, well-groomed, patriotic citizens with neither firm convictions nor axes to grind, will evaporate the minute Mr. Calabreze ascends the dais."

Mr. Calabreze, informed of Gioia’s concerns, fell into a long, troubled silence. “What,” he finally said, “is a dais?”

Chuck Calabreze on Relationships

2007-12-07T17:17:00.001-07:00

THE MOONS OF MARRIAGE

Honeymoon
Moon of Sex in the Kitchen
Moon of Weekend Getaways
Moon of the Occasional Burnt Meal
Moon of Excessive Spending
Moon of Guys’ Nights Out
Moon of Not Calling Home
Moon of Gals’ Nights Out
Moon of Parallel Reading
Moon of Deferred Maintenance
Moon of Really Talking
Moon of Self–Help Books
Moon of Nobody Changes
Moon of Long Silences

Quote of the Day: On Contemporary Theory

2007-12-01T06:36:00.000-07:00

If the statement “nothing’s true” is true, then the statement “nothing’s true” is false.

--Chuck Calabreze

Quote of the Day

2007-11-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

"Of all the arts, perhaps the art of playing saxophone provides the best argument for elitism."

--Milton Swift

Quote of the Day

2007-10-24T08:52:00.000-06:00

"Never give them everything you've got. They'll come to expect it."

--Chuck Calabreze

from THE DEVIL'S NEW DICTIONARY

2007-10-16T18:14:00.000-06:00

INAUGURATION, n. To begin with ceremony what will end unceremoniously.

U. S. Headlines

2007-10-16T18:01:00.000-06:00

DEMS PROPOSE TAXES ON CIGARETTES TO FINANCE WAR IN IRAQ

U.S. Headlines

2007-08-29T21:23:00.000-06:00

FOLLOWERSHIP CONFERENCE ATTRACTS THOUSANDS

U.S. News

2007-08-29T21:10:00.000-06:00

MacArthur "Over Achiever" Award winning poet Greg
Mott (right) demonstrates firearm safety to young customer.

MACARTHUR FOUNDATION INAUGURATES NEW “OVER-ACHIEVER” AWARDS

New York—Greg Mott, a 42 year old poet with an IQ of 115, well below “genius” level, was shocked to receive the early morning call in his Waukeegan, Wisconsin, split-level home. “I thought it was one of my buddies down at Marty’s Blast & Spin,” Mott said, referring to the local outdoor sports store where he works. “Though it was a pretty sophisticated joke, I guess.”

In fact, it was Stuart Davis from the MacArthur Foundation informing Mott that he’d been awarded a $12,500 MacArthur “Over-Achiever” Award. Not quite the six-figure stipend the Genius Awards carry, but enough to keep Mott in paper and contest fees for quite a while.

“We don’t want to risk anyone getting excited and quitting his or her day job,” Davis said. “We want to honor their achievements, which are all out of proportion to their talents, but we don’t want to send the wrong message. Publishing a sonnet in the Waukeegan Register’s ‘Bard’s Corner’ is not the stuff on which immortality--or financial security--is founded.”

Mott is best known for placing second in the Wisconsin State Poetry Society’s annual “Celebration of the Panfish” contest for his “Walleye Sutra.”

Another MacArthur Over-Achiever Award winner is Charles Martin of Provincetown, Massachusetts, a 65 year old watercolorist known for his crisply-limned sand dunes, driftwood, sea gulls, and snow fences. “Mr. Martin may have been the first beach artist to include lobster traps,” Davis said. “And his relentless pursuit of the perfect float-and- rope combination sets him apart from the legions of souvenir-shop artisans.” In the official citation from the judges, Martin was lauded for his “more-than-sophomoric, but considerably less-than-senioric efforts.”

Provincetown Times art critic, Leslie Shaw-Mumford was quick to second the MacArthur Foundation’s choice. “He’s done pretty well, considering,” she effused.

Guest Column

2007-08-27T07:50:00.000-06:00

Joe "Fancydance" Frasier recites "How to Write a SmokeShop Poem"
at the Gathering of Nations in Albuquerque, New Mexico

SmokeShop Poetry: Economic Development & the Second Native American Literary Renaissance

Jeremy Whitehorse-Lowinsky, PhD

Much has been made of the first Native American Literary Renaissance of the 1960s and 70s during which N. Scott Momaday, Leslie Marmon Silko, Simon Ortiz, James Welch, and others invigorated Native literature while making significant contributions to the mainstream. Justly celebrated for their literary accomplishments, the so-called renaissance writers’ success lacked one important ingredient. While the renaissance benefited individual authors, the waters that lifted them failed to lift the canoes of the tribal members living on the reservations. Now, some forty-odd years later, a new group of poets has arrived to stalk the mainstream’s shores. But this time, these politically and economically savvy poets, who grew up among casinos and smoke shops, tourist dances, craft fairs, and the obligatory photo permit, who are plugged into web culture with its pop-ups and “click heres,” are determined to avoid the previous generation’s error. This new generation of writers, who have dubbed themselves “The SmokeShop Poets,” are linking their web logs to smoke shop and casino ads, performing at flea markets, casinos, and all-you-can-eat restaurants, and packing their poems with images of smokers and smoking. Unlike their predecessors, these brash young poets have found a way to link poetry and tribal economic development.

In the Buffalo Lounge at The Smokeywoods Casino, in upstate New York, performance poet Joe “Fancydance” Frasier (Cherokee®), dressed in his pow wow regalia, is reciting his already famous “Scream.” “I have seen the best skins of my generation,” he shouts, stalking the makeshift stage, “dancing, hysterically smoking!” He follows this long poem with “How to Write a SmokeShop Poem.” Frasier, a bongo-slapping performance poet who sometimes calls himself a “Smokenik,” lays out the SmokeShop rules:

To write a SmokeShop poem,
one must possess a cigarette
one must light up must
inhale deeply
To write a SmokeShop poem
one must tilt one’s head
& exhale slowly or
puff rings into the cold air
To write a SmokeShop poem
one must smile and watch the smoke
hear the songs of the ancestors
hear drumming, dancing, singing
To write a SmokeShop poem
one must mention the highway
the milepost, the tax free status
must mention
the tax free status

D. Blackhorse (Dine®), the next poet to take the stage, speaks slowly, reciting “smoke,” a concrete poem, accompanied by hand gestures that suggest the look of the poem on the page:

s

e

t

a

p

i
s
s
i
d

&

s
e
s
i
r

e
k
o
m
s

Critic Marjorie Falls Off (Cree®), a supporter of Blackhorse’s work, notes that Blackhorse “reinscribes the word smoke onto air, that most fallible of materials, thereby mimicking both the materiality and the immateriality of his chosen ‘marker,’ smoke. His disinclination to ‘fix’ either the meaning or the very presence of ‘smoke’ as concept reifies the ideation while simultaneously disenfranchising, placing under erasure, sous rature, the English language in which he accomplishes his deconstruction.” Critical scaffolding aside, the audience is held rapt by Blackhorse’s chiseled good looks and the grace with which he flings the broken words into the sky.

Given all this stylistic diversity, how does one know when one is in the presence of a true SmokeShop poem? Poet/critic Professor Charles Boudinot (Ojibwa®), himself a formal SmokeShop poet best known for his “Smoke Shop Sonnets,” provides a list of qualities in his recent manifesto, “Smokistics & the New Native Poetry”:

1. The poem must have been “audience tested” to assure the content is favorable to smokers, cigarettes, and the business climate in general.
2. The poem must mention smoking, smokers, cigarettes, or smoke, and any depicted smoking event must be associated with upbeat and life-affirming imagery.
3. The poem must be politically neutral, unless, of course, the political message concerns the promotion of smoking.
4. Should the smoking-related images be sparse, the poem must compensate with favorable references to gambling, crafts, and/or recent and upcoming activities at the local visitors center.
5. If the poem is to be performed, the performance will involve one or more of the following: regalia, drums, flutes, fancydancing, or chanting.
6. The poem may be licensed to appear on a casino van, T-shirt, or poster.
7. The poem may be performed at casinos, smoke shops, or visitor centers, or posted on web sites associated with such enterprises.
8. The poem must not be longer than a smoke break.

These “rules” for SmokeShop Poetry are clear and forthright, but the application of them has already stirred controversy. A young gay poet from Oklahoma, Smokey Guthrie (Choctaw/Chickasaw®), whose stage presence is riveting and whose poetry is carefully crafted, has raised questions about both poetry and marketing. A dedicated smoker himself, he contends that gays, lesbians, and even trans-gendered smokers will be drawn to tribal smoke shops by his poems. Tribal officials are not so sure. “Dem gays and lesbians is okay smokers,” says Iroquois tribal official Gus Jones. “But dey might scare off dem reg’lars wid der fancy ways.” Guthrie responds by reading a recent poem, “Return to Marlboro Mountain (Love and Smokes),” that demonstrates, he claims, “an unexplored link between homoeroticism and smoking that has enormous market potential”:

Standing over a piled-up fire, puffing
a full flavor 100, he stirs beans in a black
pot—he and his partner both hungry from a long
day of wrestling with sheep and each other.
Under that George Strait curved hat, he stares
into the distance, at the other ranch hand who
is bathing on the river bank, naked, but for his hat.
As he takes a pull on the smoke and the beans boil,
he realizes how a man’s back hair and sheep’s
wool feel like velvet between his fingers,
then he crushes the Marlboro under his boot
and ladles the beans from the pot.

It remains to be seen how the controversy over Smokey Guthrie’s poetry will be resolved. While critics argue the poetic merits, tribal officials have commissioned a market study. Ultimately, Guthrie’s fate will be decided not by critics like Marjorie Falls Off, but by the ring and beep of “good swipes” and cash registers. And whatever happens, the SmokeShop Renaissance will continue to gather momentum.

While the SmokeShop generation is respectful of the first Native American Renaissance and those elders who made their own work possible, they’re quick to note that it’s a new world. Protected by two security guards who keep screaming groupies at bay, Fancydance Frasier takes a smoke break backstage at the Buffalo Lounge. “Those old folks back in the 60s,” he shouts. “They may have paved the way, but we’re up on the highway now, and we’ve got the pedal to the metal. And we’re not gonna stop—unless, of course, there’s a smoke shop ahead!”

By Unpopular Demand: A New Poem by Chuck Calabreze

2007-04-05T07:15:00.000-06:00

HONORED POET

His confidence rose
in proportion to his work's decline.

World Headlines

2007-02-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

CHENEY EXPECTED TO INSULT "SEVERAL MORE" MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRIES ON TOP SECRET JUNKET
Claiming "Mission Accomplished" in Pakistan, VP Moves on to Afghanistan; "Surprise Insults" Also Expected in Syria, U.A.E., Other Undisclosed Locations

U.S. Headlines

2007-02-10T05:16:00.000-07:00

IF ELECTED, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE RUDY GIULIANI PROMISES FOUR MORE YEARS OF 9/11 SPEECHES

Arts Headlines

2007-01-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

Old "Vague Blobs" far left. New
"Biomorphic Forms" near left.

Former "Vague Blobs" Now "Biomorphic Forms"
Trend Follows Recent Transformation of "Drawing" to "Mark Making"

U.S. News in Brief

2007-01-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

Singer James Brown consoles quarantined victims of Brownian Reflex

Scientists Isolate Previously Undiagnosed Variation of Tourette’s Syndrome

“Brownian Reflex,” Triggered by James Brown's Songs, Strikes Only Adult Males

Atlanta—Scientists at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta today announced a sudden outbreak of a previously unknown variation of Tourette's Syndrome dubbed the "Brownian Reflex." Triggered by the recent death of James Brown, the highly contagious disease has quickly spread and is reaching epidemic proportions. According to the latest research, the heretofore unrecognized Brownian Reflex strikes three in five males between the ages of 40 and 60. Though rarely fatal, it can impede adult males’ social development, make mid-life romances difficult, and jeopardize existing marriages.

Dr. Carl Weatherford, lead researcher on the project, described the symptoms in an emergency press conference at the CDC’s headquarters. “The onset is rapid and usually occurs during the strummed guitar introduction or during the first blast from the horns. Though occasionally accompanied by hand gestures, lifted shoulders, clapping, or twitching, the primary symptom is a series of guttural expulsions of air. These vocalizations generally present as a “hut” or “huh” sound and are often mistaken for a gathering of mucus at the base of the throat prior to a voluntary discharge. What makes these particular sounds unique—and defines the Brownian Reflex--is their involuntary nature. The subject is generally unaware that he is vocalizing; this lack of awareness may be complete when, by mid song, the vocalizations become increasingly rapid and guttural, often transforming themselves into a series of barking growls or even, in severe cases, a sustained yowling.”

Dr. Weatherford’s staff is currently investigating various drug therapies, all of which have shown limited success in experimental trials. Weatherford suggests that removal of the stimulus—the music of James Brown—will result in diminished symptoms. However, the aftereffects of exposure to “Sex Machine” or “I Feel Good” may linger for days, even weeks, and, for some, the apparently unprovoked “huhs” and “huts” may prove more embarrassing than those plosive utterances more clearly linked to the Godfather of Soul’s audible productions. One victim, suffering from an advanced form of the Brownian Reflex, reported acute embarrassment followed by prolonged depression when he found himself shouting “popcorn,” “huh,” and “good God, y’all” at a crowded Manhattan dinner party.

U.S. Headlines

2006-10-02T15:25:00.000-06:00

BUSH REGRETS CAMUS PLUG; VOWS “SEXIER” BOOK CHOICE NEXT TIME
President Privately Stung by Hugo Chavez’ Success with Noam Chomsky Pick

By Unpopular Demand: A New Poem by Milton Swift

2006-10-02T14:35:00.000-06:00

PRELIMINARY REPORT FROM THE COMMITTEEE ON SUITABLE POSTURES FOR THE SUFFERING

We who wear clean socks and shoes are tired
of your barefoot complaining, your dusty footprints
on our just-cleaned rugs. Tired, too of your endless ploys—
the feigned amputations, the imaginary children
you huddle with outside the malls, your rags and bottles,
the inconvenient positions you assume. Though we remain
impressed by your emaciation and your hunger and,
frankly, find you photogenic and think your images
both alarming and aesthetically pleasing, to do anything
more than sigh will require a complex process
of application and review, a process that is currently
in the development stage. Meanwhile, may we suggest
you moderate your public suffering at least
until the Committee on Suitable Postures for the Suffering
is able to produce guidelines. Do not be alarmed.
The committee has asked me to assure you
that they are sensitive both to the aesthetic qualities
of your suffering—the blank stares, the neotonous beauty
as the flesh recedes and the eyes seem to grow larger,
the haloes of flies--and to the physical limitations
of human endurance and the positioning of limbs.
They will, I am certain, ask that you not lift
your naked children like offerings to the gods.
On this topic, discussion has centered around the unfair
advantage such ploys give the parents of such children.
The childless, whether by choice or fate, are left
to wither silently in the doorways while those with children
proffer and gesticulate in the avenues unabated.
This offends our cherished sense of fairness,
the democratic impulse that informs and energizes
our discussions. Therefore, we ask for restraint,
and where restraint is lacking, we will legislate.
Please be forewarned. In addition, the committee
will recommend that the shouting of slogans,
whether directed at governments or deities, be kept
to a minimum. Not only is such shouting displeasing
aesthetically, but it suggests there is something
to be done. Believe me, no one is more acutely aware
of your condition than we who must ignore it everyday
on our way to the capitol. In this matter, we ask only
that you become more aware of your fellow citizens,
who must juggle ipods, blackberries, briefcases
and cell phones, lattes. Who must march steadily
or be trampled by the similarly burdened citizens
immediately behind them. Your shouting and pointing
does not serve you well. Those of us employed
by the agency are sworn to oversee you. If we seem,
as you suggest, to have overlooked you instead,
that is an oversight and will be addressed, I am certain,
in our annual review. Please be aware: To eliminate
your poverty, your hunger, your aesthetically
pleasing, yet disturbing, presence in our doorways,
above our heating grates, in our subway tunnels
and under our freeways would mean the elimination
of the agency itself and quite possibly a decline
in tourism. Those of us employed by the agency
have neither the stamina, persistence, nor the luminous
skin tones that you present to the viewing public.
Finally, to those who would recommend programs,
who would call for funding and action,
I must remind you that we have been charged not
with eliminating your suffering but with managing it.

Quotation of the Day

2006-09-20T21:12:00.000-06:00

“As a poet, I’m writing for the ages; it’d be good if we had some.”

--Chuck Calabreze, poet, on his sudden, surprising conversion to
environmental activist

U.S. Headlines

2006-09-09T13:40:00.000-06:00

NEW STUDY REVEALS THERE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH STUDIES

Philosophical Conundrum Leads Congress to Commission an Infinite Number of Studies of Possible Saddam-Al Qaeda Connection

Quotation of the Day

2006-09-09T13:30:00.000-06:00

"In America, everybody loves poets. They just don't want them getting into the house."

--Chuck Calabreze

Local News

2006-09-06T11:50:00.000-06:00

LOCAL SKATEBOARDER KEEPS FLIPPING BOARD TO NO AVAIL
Attempts to Actually Land Atop Errant Board Met with Continued Resistance

Inset: Local Skateboarder
Matt Black nearly performs
potentially dazzling
skateboard trick.

U.S. Headlines

2006-05-25T16:53:00.000-06:00

NEW BILL AUTHORIZING ENGLISH AS NATIONAL LANGUAGE JEOPARDIZES PRESIDENT BUSH'S CITIZENSHIP

Status Hinges on Definition of "English"

U.S. Headlines

2006-05-25T14:42:00.000-06:00

VIETNAM VETS FOR WHATEVER HOLD POINTLESS RALLY

Lifestyle

2006-05-19T12:56:00.000-06:00

Matt Whidby, center, spontaneously invents new reality show in which contestants have
fingers removed before a life-or-death bowling match. Friends
Ed Atterbery, upper left, and Dan Wilkerson, lower right, "inadvertantly" encourage him.

COLLEGE STUDENTS TIRED OF ROOMMATE'S "THAT'D MAKE A GREAT REALITY SHOW" JOKES

Norton, Massachusetts—On Thursday afternoon, roommates Ed Atterbery and Dan Wilkerson announced to those assembled in the Wheaton College cafeteria that they’d “had all they could take” of their roommate Matthew Whidby’s ‘that’d make a great reality show’ jokes. The two roommates admitted they’d chuckled politely at Whidby’s first few such jokes, but maintain they were unaware that by laughing they were actually encouraging him.

“One night we were sitting around drinking beer,” said Atterbery, “and Sue Hagar started vomiting in the middle of the floor and Matt said ‘Hey, that’d make a great reality show. You throw a kegger and then have five contestants crawl through the vomit to the door of the dorm.’ We didn’t know him well, so we chuckled a little to make him feel comfortable. But things quickly spiralled out of control.”

That night alone, Whidby came up with “at least six” “great reality show” premises, according to both Atterbery and Wilkerson. A surprising number of such scenarios, Wilkerson noted, featured “naked” or “scantily clad” coeds. Others featured fully-dressed coeds who endured a surprising number of situations in which clothing might be soaked or “accidentally” damaged.

Atterbery and Wilkerson noticed that their female classmates were becoming increasingly brusque in their communications, a brusqueness the two attribute to their association with Whidby’s “reality show” routine. “Frankly,” said Wilkerson, “we want to let it be known that we like our women fully clad—at least intitally.” Atterbery agreed, adding that they generally refrained from hosing down their dates. “I hope this clears the air,” added Wilkerson.

Financial News in Brief

2006-05-19T12:52:00.002-06:00

SNACK BOX SALES RESCUE DELTA AIRLINES FROM BANKRUPTCY

DFW—A spokesperson for Delta Airlines announced today that first quarter revenue from snack box sales had resulted in record profits for the ailing airline. Darlene Kammerer, a public relations specialist, also heralded Delta’s new “austerity plan,” under which Delta would begin charging for beverages, BarfBags®, and bathroom privileges.

U.S. Headlines

2006-05-19T12:48:00.000-06:00

FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE H. W. BUSH RUSHED TO HOSPITAL FOR EMERGENCY PATERNITY TEST

Wife Barbara Undergoes First Ever Maternity Test; Couple Remains "Hopeful"

U.S. Headlines

2006-05-19T12:43:00.000-06:00

PRESIDENT BUSH REVEALS PLAN TO TURN IRAQ INTO WALMART MEGA-SUPERSTORE
Issues Ultimatum to Citizens: Leave or Face Continuous Employment

U.S. Headlines

2006-05-19T12:41:00.000-06:00

PRESIDENT BUSH HANDS OVER PHONE RECORDS TO U.S. CITIZENS
Prez: “I’ve Got Yours. It’s Only Fair That You Should Have Mine.”

EDITORIAL

2006-05-19T06:42:00.000-06:00

IT’S ONCE AGAIN TIME TO DEBATE THE REALLY IMPORTANT ISSUE: SAME SEX MARRIAGE!

By Harlan Rippington

Guest columnist Harlan Rippington is Pastor of the Last Church of Christ in Muscogee, Oklahoma

Everyone’s riled up about the debacles in Iraq and New Orleans, the NSA’s warrantless spying, prisoner abuse in Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib, bribery scandals, hookergate, extreme rendition, illegal secret prisons, the Valerie Plame scandal, porous border security, spiraling oil prices, the widening gap between rich and poor, skyrocketing national debt, and the slowing economy. I say, Get a grip! What this country really needs is legislation banning same sex marriage! As anyone who has read the story of Sodom knows, all of the aforementioned “problems” are the result of God’s wrath at us for allowing men to lie with men and women with women.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a healthy heterosexual man who actually enjoys watching a couple of good-looking women kissing and licking and talking dirty to each other, but to let them marry is a sin against all of creation! Let’s keep lesbianism where it belongs—on the internet for my personal, private enjoyment! Besides, most of the lesbians who hold hands and cozy up to each other in public are frumpy, man-hating, divorced 50 year olds. One rarely sees a pair of nubile twentysomethings in lingerie and heels getting all juiced up in the automotive aisle in WalMart. So what’s the point?

Now I know my fellow Americans are disappointed with the Republicans. I know the war in Iraq has not gone well. I know gas is over three dollars a gallon and the economy is slowing. I know we’ve got bribery scandals and we’re all being spied on illegally. But, come on! Let’s not get distracted by trivialities! We’ve got bigger fish to fry! Of course they won’t actually pass any laws, but that’s because those evil Democrats will filibuster or make some “reasonable argument” based on “constitutional guarantees.” But they’re trying. What more can you ask?

So let’s get out the vote for the senators and representatives who have the courage and stamina to stand up to the Ted Kennedys of the world and lead a rousing debate about the evils of same sex marriage EVERY TWO YEARS! Yes, EVERY TWO YEARS the Republicans try to save America! EVERY TWO YEARS the Grand Old Party sets aside the trivialities of war, corruption, national debt, and the floundering economy to focus on the SOUL OF AMERICA! So let’s get out and support them! Besides, most of the really hot lesbians on the internet aren’t lesbians at all—they’re just really, really good actresses!

Men in the News

2006-05-16T13:54:00.000-06:00

Chuck Calabreze's Poem for Father's Day, 2006

MEN'S WORK

Letting the dog out.
Letting the dog in.
Feeding the dog.
Scooping the poops.
Googling things.
Checking the furnace.
Stopping the drip.
Watering the garden.
Snapping the photo.
Scolding the kids.
Setting the alarm.
Spoiling the ending.
Saving the doc.
Recovering the doc.
Printing the doc.
Broiling the steak.
Spraying the bugs.
Lugging the groceries.
Knowing the teams.
Finding the dog.
Naming the bird.
Knowing the time.
Tuning guitars.
Hanging the picture.
Missing the point.
Making the sandwich.
Spoiling the kids.
Pronouncing the wine.
Making the hot water hotter.

Tossing the frisbee.
Loading the trunk.
Adding the numbers.
Telling it straight.
Buying the book.
Testing the water.
Making the coffee.
Gassing the car.
Lifting the weights.
Avoiding the issue.
Pronouncing the scotch.
Watching the game.
Getting cheap flights.
Going out in the cold.
Carving the meat.
Knowing the date.
Starting the car.
Saving receipts.
Entertaining the men.
Improving the reception.
Filling the drinks.
Cashing the checks.
Lifting the sofa.
Dropping the kids.
Deleting the messages.
Changing the oil.
Remembering the number.
Finding the remote.
Checking the temperature outside.

Showing up late.
Fixing the squeak.
Calling the plumber.
Changing the bulb.
Doing the taxes.
Telling the joke.
Starting the fire.
Throwing the ball.
Talking to salesmen.
Bashing the prez.
Getting up early.
Staying up late.
Making the mess.
Finding the watch.
Singing along.
Paying the bills.
Eating the leftovers.
Picking the tunes.
Getting the mail.
Setting the buttons.
Losing the tools.
Emptying trash.
Tracking the mud in.
Restarting the computer.
Changing the tire.
Watching the news.
Kissing the wife.
Finding out where the hell that knocking sound is coming from.

Entertainment Headlines

2006-05-10T14:38:00.000-06:00

"MAN IN BLACK" EXPERIMENTED EARLY ON WITH TWEEDS, PLAIDS, PAISLEY

"Dweeb in Tweed" One of Several Rejected Johnny Cash Monikers

Local Headlines

2006-05-10T14:37:00.000-06:00

"ROOM TEMPERATURE ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE," LAMENTS LOCAL MAN

U.S. Headlines

2006-04-12T16:53:00.000-06:00

SPOKESMAN SAYS BUSH DECLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS "ON A LARK"
"Do We Have to Have a Reason for Everything?" McClellan Asks

U.S. Headlines

2006-04-11T05:44:00.000-06:00

PRESIDENT BUSH OFTEN BEGINS SENTENCES AND FINISH IT THAT HE CAN’T REMEMBER HOW, NOTES SYNTAX SPECIALIST

Professor Harold Schmidt of M.I.T. has Analysis This is How Many Sentences, Maybe Five Thousand?

U.S. Headlines

2006-04-08T16:19:00.000-06:00

STUDY: TWEEDY/FARRAR DIVIDE DEEPER, MORE DIVISIVE THAN RED/BLUE RIFT
Allegiances to Former Uncle Tupelo Members Pit Father Against Son, Husband Against Wife

U.S. Headlines

2006-03-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

DNA TESTS SHOW TV'S "THE JEFFERSONS" WERE DIRECT DESCENDENTS OF THOMAS JEFFERSON

PHOTOS: Thomas Jefferson, left. The Jeffersons, right.

U.S. Headlines

2006-03-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

DEMOCRATS PROPOSE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY PROTECTION AGENCY

U.S. Headlines

2006-03-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

BUSH GREETS, PRAISES, CUTS BENEFITS TO AUTISTIC BASKETBALL PLAYER JASON McELWAIN

U.S. Headlines

2006-03-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

LOCAL MAN DECIDES TO BOOGIE-OOGIE-OOGIE 'TIL HE JUST CAN'T BOOGIE NO MORE
Friends, Family Express Concern

U.S. Headlines

2006-03-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

BLUE STATES SECEDE FROM UNION

Red States Resign Selves to Bad Coffee, Food, Design, Suits, Mileage, Music, Art

U.S. Headlines

2006-03-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY “ALMOST COMPLETE” SAYS COMMITTEE

Bush Library Committee Purchases Book, Rents Room in Crawford General Store

This Just In: News that Stays News

2006-03-13T06:28:00.001-07:00

CONGRESS PASSES NEW LAW MAKING WHATEVER THE PRESIDENT THINKS UP NEXT LEGAL

Washington—In the wake of the NSA domestic spying fiasco, Republicans in Congress are preparing new legislation that not only would make what the President authorized the NSA to do legal, but would also make anything the president cooks up in the future legal.

“There are so many laws,” said White House Spokesman Scott McClellan. “This law says you can’t spy on U.S. citizens; that law says you can’t detain people without counsel. Another law says you can’t torture prisoners. Still another says you can’t sell political favors to make millions of dollars. The White House staff would be up all night trying to keep up with them. We want to get on with the business of governing the nation. This bill will make that possible.”

Democratic senators announced that they would make a feeble attempt to block the law should it reach the floor for a vote. “We’ll let Ted Kennedy make a few scalding speeches, then we’ll check the polls and decide where to go from there,” said a tentatively fired-up Richard Durbin.

2006-03-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

A MAN’S GUIDE TO RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS: TERMINOLOGY

by Chuck Calabreze

Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Getting what you want by insisting you don’t want it.
Controlling Behavior: Ignoring the opinion you just solicited.
Placating: I’ll get to this later, I promise.
Irrational: What a woman is when she doesn’t agree with you.
Communication: A characteristic of human behavior found only on the y chromosome.
Change: What a woman wants and a man fears.
Excuse: What we men call "an explanation."
Incommunicative: What a man is when he won’t say what he feels.
Inappropriate: What a man is when he does.

U.S. Headlines

2006-02-14T06:10:00.000-07:00

NUDE PHOTOS OF JACK ABRAMOFF AND PRESIDENT BUSH “NOT EVIDENCE OF PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP” SAYS WHITE HOUSE COUNSELOR DAN BARTLETT
Photos Show Naked Bush, Abramoff “Clearing Brush” on President’s Crawford Ranch

U.S. Headlines

2006-02-14T06:09:00.000-07:00

SHAMED CHENEY ATTEMPTS TO TAKE OWN LIFE, KILLS NEARBY QUAIL INSTEAD

U.S. Headlines

2006-02-13T05:33:00.000-07:00

SHORTAGE OF BODY ARMOR BLAMED
IN CHENEY HUNTING ACCIDENT

VP Blasts War Critics, Blames Dems for Shipping Quail Hunters' Armor to Iraq

PHOTO: Shooting Victim Harry Whittington
on a Previous Hunt
with Vice President Dick Cheney

Literary Life

2006-02-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

CARL HAAS, AUTHOR OF A DULL, SAFE LIFE, NOT SELECTED FOR OPRAH INTERVIEW
Controversy Roiling Over Whether, on the Afternoon of September 24th, 1971, Haas Had Two Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and a Glass of Iced Tea, as he Claims. or a Caesar Salad and Lemonade, as his Sister Reports

U.S. Headlines

2006-02-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

JAGGER AIRLIFTED TO DETROIT'S ST. JOHN HOSPITAL FOR TOTAL HIP REPLACEMENT FOLLOWING SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW
Doctors Fear 62 Year Old Singer Will Regain "Full Range of Motion"

Budget 2007

2006-02-06T13:25:00.000-07:00

BUSH'S PLEDGE: STARVING, UNEDUCATED, UNEMPLOYED, UNTREATED, IMPOVERISHED U.S. CITIZENS WILL BE SAFE FROM TERRORISTS

2.8 Trillion Budget Boosts Defense, Homeland Security, Cuts Education, Medicare, Medicaid

Entertainment News

2006-02-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

ROLLING STONES CONCERT BEGINS, ENDS WITH "FOOTBALL GAME"

Innovative Concept was Mick's Idea, Says Keith

Sports in Brief

2006-01-31T17:56:00.000-07:00

KOBE BRYANT GIVEN GAME BALL AFTER 81 POINT EFFORT

Los Angeles--After being given the game ball for his record-setting 81 point effort versus the Toronto Raptors, Kobe Bryant appeared briefly at the post-game press conference. "I only wish there were more than one game ball," said Bryant, nodding towards his teammates. Lamar Odom, one of those teammates, was quick to agree. "Yeah, then maybe we'd have gotten to touch it once in a while."

U.S. Headlines

2006-01-31T17:51:00.000-07:00

AFTER THREE DAYS, COLORADO DATA MINERS RESCUED UNHARMED

National Mining Safety Board Looking into Alleged Safety Violations

Documents

2006-01-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

According to Stephen James, editor of the Longshoreman's Review, the poet Chuck Calabreze has been submitting his poems with the following cover letter. Sources close to the poet say "J. Scott Pemberton" is a fictional character invented by the poet himself.

Dear Editors,

Chuck Calabreze deserves to be famous. His poetry, fatuous as it may sometimes seem, contains a kernel of wisdom or intelligence or perhaps a certain je ne se quois the likes of which this century, young as it is, has not seen. Saying this, I don’t mean to demean the other writers in your--how shall I put this--“stable.” Your stable certainly contains an impressive array of horses, all of various breeds and all with their strengths, the result of centuries of careful breeding and training. Might I just suggest that Chuck Calabreze is a horse unlike any you have seen. Part Clydesdale, part eohippus, Mr. Calabreze can float or stomp, leap or just plod along for stanza after lengthy stanza. Yoked by the most ponderous philosophy or unbridled and left to wander the pastures of prehistory, restrained by the bit of form or galumphing about freely, Mr. Calabreze returns each evening with the poem secure in his horsey mouth. Chuck Calabreze deserves to be famous. Please help engender this fame by publishing one or more of the enclosed poems.

Sincerely,

J. Scott Pemberton

U.S. Headlines

2006-01-25T07:43:00.000-07:00

BUSH, NSA ANNOUNCE BAN ON "FREE NIGHTS & WEEKENDS" CALL PLANS
"Impossible to Keep Up," Prez Laments

from THE DEVIL'S NEW DICTIONARY

2006-01-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

Deconstruction, n. The art of dismantling someone else's text and using the materials of that text to construct a far superior text of your own while maintaining that nothing can be built of anything.

U.S. Headlines

2006-01-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

“KINDLER, GENTLER” NSA BEGINS PUBLIC RELATIONS BLITZ WITH NEW MOTTO: “AT THE NSA, WE’RE GOOD LISTENERS!”

U.S. Headlines

2006-01-25T06:31:00.000-07:00

PAT ROBERTSON CALLS FOR THE ASSASSINATION OF EVERYBODY BUT HIMSELF

Local Headlines

2006-01-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

LOCAL MAN "ALL FREAKED OUT" BY BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Expected More Ridin' and Ropin', Less Wrasslin'

Profile

2006-01-24T06:24:00.000-07:00

“FAILED WRITER” DAVE JONAS SERVES AS WARNING TO STUDENTS

Santa Fe, New Mexico—Dave Jonas, Chair of the Creative Writing Department at Santa Fe College, sets aside his sushi, puts down his chopsticks, leans back in his office chair, and laughs his characteristic laugh, a chuckle that that often degenerates into a sound like a cat choking on a hairball. Today, he stops himself short to reflect on where he’s been and what brought him to this place and time.

“I’ve basically become what I have always detested,” he says in an almost inaudible voice, “one of those writers who had just enough early success to secure a comfortable position and then, for whatever reason, ceased to be productive.” Jonas’s vita is littered with early awards—“look closely,” he says, “they all say ‘younger’--‘younger writer,’ ‘younger poet’--then it all stops. The awards dry up, the publications slow down, the early fire turned to a pit of ashes.” Jonas’s judgment might seem harsh, but all the facts suggest that his is an honest assessment.

“If nothing else,” Jonas says, “I can serve as an example of what not to do.” He picks up his chopsticks and deftly plucks a spicy tuna roll from the platter. “But, in my defense, I should point out that 99% of all poets ultimately fail to write anything worthwhile. It’s just that most poets keep pretending that they’re important poets until they die.” For the first time, Jonas smiles. “I just pulled up a few years short.”

Stacked in a corner of the office is a pile of what look to be manuscripts. Asked about them, Jonas waves his hand in the air. “Sure, those are manuscripts—three collections of poetry, two novels, a play, miscellaneous essays. It’s all crap. Publishable crap. No worse than the rest of the crap that fills the literary magazines, but crap, nonetheless. To publish it would be an affront to humanity and to the trees that would have to give their lives to provide the paper.”

What does Jonas see in the future? “Oh, I’ll write a great heap of crap. I’ll fill boxes with the stuff. I can’t bring myself to throw it away. I feel a kind of affection for it, the way one might feel attached to a wart or a mole, an imperfection that reminds you of who you are. So I stack up the pages. And I’ll continue to do that. Writing has become a tic, an involuntary reflex.” He flashes another quick smile. “It kills the time, you know?”

Psychology in the News

2006-01-24T06:19:00.000-07:00

CRY FOR HELP NOW SEEN AS CRY FOR HELP BY FRIENDS, RELATIVES

Arlington, Virginia—Friends and relatives of the late James Spencer, who took his own life on his twenty-second birthday, now see his cry for help as a cry for help.

“He called us all and said he was depressed and felt like killing himself,” said his cousin Philip Spencer, spokesman for the family. “We should have recognized that as a sign.” Gary Stevens, long time friend and James Spencer’s bandmate in local punk rock band, The Anarchist Support Group, agreed. “Sometimes a cry for help can be a little thing, like someone refusing to eat or maybe you just see it in the way they carry themselves or whatever, but none of us was expecting it to come in the form of a cry for help.”

Psychologist Carrie Henson, who has been working with the family, echoed Stevens’ thoughts. “With a young man like James, who had a history of depression, we tend to watch for subtle changes in behavior—maybe he’s staying up all night , or drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes excessively, pacing. Maybe he’s not as meticulous about his grooming. All these subtle signs can indicate the onset of depression. Sometimes, though, as vigilant as we are, we miss something. James Spencer’s cry for help was just one of those missed signals.”

In the wake of James Spencer’s untimely death, the National Association of Psychologists has installed “cry for help” at number seven on its list of warning signs for young people with suicidal tendencies.

From the Archives: June 15, 2003

2006-01-14T14:53:00.000-07:00

POETS AGAINST THE WAR HAS COMPANY ON THE WEB

Reuters--Internet surfers who have been visiting poetsagainstthewar.org were surprised this week to discover a number of other war-related poetry sites on the web.

The first of these sites to appear was The Wall Street Journal's poetsforthewar.org. This was immediately followed by poetswhocouldntcarelessaboutthewar.org. Another popular site, the enigmatic poetswhomightbefororagainstthewarbuttheirverseistoo-
obscuretotell.org, made its debut on Wednesday.

A number of specialty sites have also appeared. The Language Poets' site, poetswhothinksyntacticalconventionsarecausingthewar.org received four hits, all by Charles Bernstein, in its first week on the net. The New Formalists' site, rhymeandmeterforgodandcountry.org, proved to be much more popular, especially after the web master linked the site to the NRA's page. Poetswhoareagainstthewarbutwhoinsistonwritingwell.org remained "under construction" as of press time.

The most popular site of all during the last week of May turned out to be poetswhoarebusybuildingcareersbywritingthesameinnocuouspoemoverand-
overagain.edu. The site was deluged by hits--mostly multiple hits by poets whose work appears on the site.

This Just In: News That Stays News

2006-01-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

PRESIDENT BUSH ANNOUNCES
NEW EDUCATION INITIATIVE

Vows to Route Non-Readers
from their Hiding Places
and Destroy Them

An angry President Bush
addresses non-reader

Fort Benning, Georgia--In his latest move to improve education in America, President George W. Bush today announced "Operation Total Literacy."

"Let this be a warning to all non-readers," the President said during his monthly review of the troops at Fort Benning, "America will not tolerate the illiterate. You may think America does not care that you're illiterate. You may think that America does not have the will to act to correct your illiteracy. But let this be a warning: America cares about literacy and America will not tolerate illiteracy. Wherever we must go, be it East L.A. or Appalachia, West Texas or right here in Georgia, that is where we will go. And whatever military resources are required, America is prepared to supply. We will travel, fully armed, to every corner of this great nation. We will find the illiterate and we will destroy them."

Operation Total Literacy is the first of a series of education initiatives planned by the administration, though the president would not speak about the other initiatives because of "national security issues." Sources close to the president indicated that several intiatives are nearly ready for unveiling, including "Operation Add, Subtract, Multiply or Die"; "Operation Name All Fifty States and Their Capitals or Die"; "Operation Draw and Label the Parts of a Cell or Die"; and "Operation Make a Diorama about Lewis & Clark or Die."

"You know," the president said to a group of senior officers gathered in the Officers' Club after his speech, "some of our critics have questioned our committment to education. Some of our critics have said we are soft on education. Well, let those critics beware, because we will not stop until America is 100% literate."

Both House and Senate leaders announced that they supported Operation Total Literacy and would deliver a declaration of war on the illiterate by the end of the week.

Archaeology in the News

2006-01-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

ARCHAEOLOGISTS FIND FIRST AUTHENTIC "TO DO LIST" IN CAVE NEAR LASCAUX

Lascaux, France--A team of international archaeologists working in a cave adjacent to the famous painted cave at Lascaux have unearthed the world's oldest known "To Do List." Thought to be nearly 15,000 years old, the "To Do List" has been translated by Dr. Martin Schlomsky, the foremost expert on paleolithic symbolism, who was"astonished at how little things have changed." Although the translation is not yet definitive, Dr. Schlomsky offered this version, which will be published in the February issue of Nature:

To Do:

1. Wake Up
2. Grunt
3. Scratch
4. Light fire
5. Scratch Wife
6. Cook Chunk of Meat
7. Eat
8. Belch
9. Urinate
10. Nap
11. Sharpen Spears
12. Paint Stick-Figure Deer on Cave Wall
13. Grope Wife
14. Nap
15. Hunt
16. Kill Deer
17. Start New Fire
18. Cook Deer
19. Eat Deer
20. Throw Extra Log on Fire
21. Grope Wife
22. Sleep

Numbers in the News

2006-01-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

HOW AMERICANS LIKE THEIR POETRY

17% Scratched into men's room stall
8% Read to them in monotone by wheezing American Lit prof
14% Acted out by hand puppets
12% Recited to them by lariat-twirling cowpoke
9% Recited as part of used-car pitch
12% Uttered breathlessly at "team building" workshop
9% Snorted into camera by WWF tag-team champs
19% Chanted rhythmically by daring, taboo-shattering performance poet, Angelique

from THE DEVIL'S NEW DICTIONARY

2006-01-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

Inaugurate, v. To begin with ceremony what will end unceremoniously.

U.S. Headlines

2006-01-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

HISTORIANS ASSESS W’S PRESIDENCY: “RECORD WILL SHOW HE WAS ONE HECK OF A PRESIDENT WHO DID ONE HECK OF A JOB”
Historians Also Admit They Have No Idea What that Means

U.S. Headlines

2006-01-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

MICHAEL MOORE, TIRED OF “WHINING LIBERALS,” TAKES POSITION AS WAL-MART PUBLICIST
First Film Promotes Store’s New “Walk It Off” Health Care Plan

U.S. Headlines

2006-01-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

SCHWARZENEGGER TO STATE PRISON OFFICIALS: "HURRY UP AND KILL HIM BEFORE HE DIES!"

76 Year Old, Diabetic, Legally Blind, Nearly Deaf, Wheelchair-Bound, Convicted Murderer Clarence Ray Allen’s Heart Trouble Makes Timing of Tuesday’s Execution Critical

from THE DEVIL'S NEW DICTIONARY

2005-12-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

Christmas, n. That time of year when we buy people who don't care things they don't need with money we don't have.

This Just In: News that Stays News

2005-12-10T12:51:00.000-07:00

Chief Illiniwek now (top) and then (below)

COMPROMISE ON INDIAN MASCOT ISSUE MAKES FOR UNUSUAL SIDELINE ACTIVITY

NCAA’s New “No Stereotypes” Rule Receives Generally Favorable Reviews from Illini Fans

Champaign, Illinois—The University of Illinois campus is abuzz with the changes to its much-maligned mascot, Chief Illiniwek, who in the past has stalked the sidelines of Illinois sporting events dressed in headdress and Northern Plains-style regalia exhorting the teams and riling up fans. The NCAA’s new ban on the use of “unrealistic stereotypes” as mascots has resulted in a wholesale change in the Chief’s outfit, demeanor, and even his cheering style.

The new Chief, now called "Attorney" Illiniwek, arrives at midfield in a silver Lexus, dressed in a three-piece suit with neat braids running down his back, dark sunglasses, a cell phone in one hand and a briefcase in the other. He still stomps up and down the sidelines, but now, instead of war whoops, he’s apt to respond to a questionable call on the field by shouting “I object!” Occasionally, he’ll go face-to-face with a ref and “serve him papers,” saying curtly, “I’ll see you in court.” When the Illini score a touchdown, he swings his briefcase in the air, performs a series of back flips, and places a cell phone call to a lucky fan.

The football fans have surprisingly taken to this new “Indian” mascot. A group of twelve University of Illinois seniors have bought up the seats behind Attorney Illiniwek’s customary position and have dubbed themselves “The Jury.” They call Mr. Illiniwek variously “The Prosecutor” or “The Attorney for the Defense,” depending on whether the Illini have the ball or not. Illiniwek will occasionally plead his case to them; they signal their verdict with thumbs up or down.

Other schools are responding to the NCAA’s edict in similar ways. The Bradley University Braves, for example, now feature a Native American installation artist as their mascot. At a recent game, "Ms. Teters," as school officials call her, built a satirical installation that parodied the other team’s offense, an anachronistic Texas Wishbone, so effectively that the embarrassed quarterback could not concentrate on calling the plays. Bradley won the game 63-0.

These early triumphs augur well for the new regulation’s success, though not everyone is pleased. The Southwestern College ”Moundbuilders” thought, given their nickname, a contemporary Indian architect could serve as their mascot. Fans, however, were less than enthused when the dapper, if slightly tousled, mascot ignored the game and spent two and a half hours building an intricate scale model of the stadium instead.

This Just In: News That Stays News

2005-12-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

Group of military draftees congratulate each other after passing U.S. Army's hearing test

NEW MILITARY DRAFT INITIATIVE TO SOLVE BOTH SOCIAL SECURITY AND IRAQ TROOP SHORTFALLS

Proposal Would Raise Draft, Retirement Ages to 67

Hollywood--Speaking at a West Hollywood High after-school hip hop dance class threatened by his own budget cuts, President Bush today unveiled a new plan aimed at solving two of the administration's most intractable problems: shortfalls in social security funding and in troop strength for the war in Iraq. The President's proposal would simply raise the military draft and retirement ages to 67.

"This bill," Bush said during a break in the dancing, "will allow our seniors to live productive, albeit significantly shorter, lives and to give something back to the America that gave so much to them. It will also allow us to continue programs like your hippity hoppety dance class here, programs that work. It goes without saying that it will also open up numerous WalMart greeter positions to young people like yourselves."

The proposal was met with enthusiastic applause by the young dancers, many of whom were nearly fifty years from retirement themselves. Blake Tawny, an aspiring dancer and actress, was quick to see additional benefits to the plan. "So my dad," she said as she leaned against a Coke machine between routines, "he's, like, 63, and is so, like, in my face about everything. With this new law, he'll be, like, on his way to Iraq in four years. That's, like, so cool."

Democrats were quick to oppose the initiative, though John Kerry (D-MA) was intrigued by one aspect of the plan. "This will give the president yet another opportunity to dodge a wartime draft."

This Just In: News That Stays News

2005-12-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

REPUBLICAN CONGRESS PROPOSES NEW WAGE GUIDELINES TO STEM FLOW OF IMMIGRANTS

New Dollar a Day Wage Limit Will Make Illegal Immigration Less Attractive, Say Bill's Backers

This Just In: News That Stays News

2005-11-22T06:39:00.000-07:00

A forlorn Representative Wilbur Wright watches his office door, still hoping to be indicted

WISCONSIN REPUBLICAN NOT BEING INVESTIGATED

Puzzled Congressman Awaits Subpoena, Phone Call, Knock at the Door, “Something”

Washington--House Representative Wilbur Wright, R-Wisconsin, periodically pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, turns it on and off, and stares at it in disbelief. As the only Republican in Washington not currently being investigated for perjury, fraud, or unethical conduct, Wright is feeling alienated.

“Frankly, this is more than puzzling,” Wright stated at a sparsely attended Saturday morning press conference. “I’m as ruthless as the next guy. I don’t understand it.”

Wright brushes off supporters who point out that Washington agencies may simply have run out of investigators. “They’ve got time for Halliburton, Halliburton’s subsidiaries, Halliburton’s subsidiaries’ subsidiaries, two-bit Republican embezzlers and kick-back schemers in Iraq, Scooter Libby, Karl Rove, Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, Jack Abramoff, Ralph Reed, Robert Ney, the Republican governors of Ohio and Connecticut, the mayor of Spokane, even small time crooks like David Safavian and Tim Flanigan—I mean, come on, I’m a friggin Congressman, I deserve some attention.”

Sources close to Mr. Wright say he is planning on turning himself in for “unspecified misconduct” when Congress returns from recess.

Education

2005-11-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

TEACHER TRIES TO "GET DOWN WITH HOMIES"
New Jargon-Infusion Program Goes Terribly Awry

Santa Fe--In a vain attempt to improve communications with his students at the College of Indian Art, Professor of English Dave Jonas last week began infusing his curriculum with jargon he picked up during a weekend spent skateboarding with his twelve year old son.

Professor Jonas startled his students Monday morning when he stood outside the door, greeting each student by saying "word" or "word up" and making odd pointing gestures with his fingers. At one point just before entering the classroom, Professor Jonas made what he later confided was "a gang sign."

Jim Jackson, a sophomore creative writing major, was amused to learn that Professor Jonas was attempting a gang sign. "I though he was making shadow puppets--it looked just like a rabbit."

Other students were equally amused. Kelly Gonzalez, a junior majoring in museum studies, said Professor Jonas's approach was "kinda kute, you know, like where cute is spelled with a 'k'." Asked if she'd paid closer attention to Professor Jonas's lecture, she said she couldn't recall anything he'd said after he followed the students into the classroom.

Professor Jonas had a more upbeat reading. "They were down wid my beats today. They know a playa when they see one. We be chillin' in my crib again on Friday."

Jim Cook, Dean of Arts and Cultural Studies, announced that he, too, will be "'chillin' in Professor Jonas's 'crib' on Friday."

Education

2005-11-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

COLLEGE PRESIDENT ATTACHES "CENTRIC" SUFFIX INDISCRIMINATELY
"Culture-centric" Activities, He Notes, to be Followed by "Arts-centric" Program and "Health-centric" Dinner

Education

2005-11-19T14:10:00.000-07:00

PROFESSOR SETS RECORD FOR "IS'S" IN AFTERNOON LECTURE
Linguistics Expert: "What It Is Is a Problem With 'Is's'"

Science in the News

2005-11-19T14:03:00.000-07:00

NEW STUDY SHOWS ESKIMOS HAVE ONLY THREE WORDS FOR SNOW
They Do, However, Have Thirty-Eight Words for "Nosey White Guy with a Notebook"

Local News Headlines

2005-11-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

CHOIR SENDS MESSAGE TO PREACHER: ENOUGH ALREADY!

Local News

2005-11-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

In bold move, local teen activist Charles Spurrier displays "bumper" sticker on car trunk

DARING POLITICAL ACTIVIST DRIVES BUMPER-STICKERED CAR THROUGH LARGELY REPUBLICAN SECTION OF TOWN

Driver “Changing the World One Errand at a Time”

Albuquerque—Sporting a red-lettered “STOP THE WAR” sticker on the trunk of his battered white Toyota Tercel, anti-war activist Charles Spurrier made what he called a “late afternoon raid” on a Republican stronghold when he decided to purchase his latte at a Rio Grande-area Starbucks. “I could have gone to Nob Hill on the university side of town,” an exhilarated Spurrier said. “But I wanted to make a stand.” The dangerous afternoon mission went unnoticed by residents of the Rio Grande district, who were following a late afternoon stock market rally on their wi-fied laptops at the time.

Education

2005-11-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

SUICIDE BOMBER PROVES POOR CAREER CHOICE

Earnings, Benefits Pale Compared to Alternatives

Palestine--A new study commissioned by the Pan-Arab Employment Agency shows that suicide bomber, a career favored by a growing number of Arab youth, is actually a poor overall choice. Despite a recent increase in payments to surviving families of suicide bombers from $10,000 to $25,000, the long term earnings of even camel-dung shovelers far exceed those of suicide bombers.

Experts compared suicide bomber to a number of other jobs available to Arab youth on several criteria--wages, job security, opportunities for advancement, relative safety of the work environment, and benefits. In each case, suicide bomber finished at or near the bottom of the scale.

Guidance counselors at West Palestine High say they generally discourage teens from pursuing a career as a suicide bomber. At a recent Career Day, no one was minding the suicide bomber booth despite the long lines of young prospective bombers. But the absence of an actual suicide bomber was not, officials say, a deliberate manipulation.

"Actually," said Rahim al Quira, Assistant Guidance Counselor, "it's difficult to find an actual suicide bomber to come speak to the children. Several near-suicide bombers have come forward, but even with their missing limbs and shrapnel wounds, the students consider them failures, so they make poor role models."

Local News

2005-11-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

“INTELLIGENT DESIGN” PONDERS NAME CHANGE

Local Interior Decorators Flooded with Calls About the Evils of Evolution

Santa Fe—“We’re just trying to get the sofa in the right place,” says designer Janine Wright from her perch atop an oak and red velvet barstool at the offices of Intelligent Design, a ten year old Santa Fe interior design firm. “That’s a little hard to do when you’re fielding calls about flagelli and gaps in the fossil record.”

James Fuller, Wright’s business partner and lead designer, agreed. “We’re really just concerned with the evolution of the client’s home. I can’t be explaining punctuated equilibrium’s efficacy as an alternate explanation for the gaps in the record. I just can’t. Not while I’m struggling to pull my fabrics together.”

The two are pondering a name change, but at present have not settled on a suitable moniker.

This Just In: News That Stays News

2005-11-17T06:53:00.000-07:00

REPUBLICANS WAFFLE ON ROE V. WADE
Reversal Expected to Produce an Additional One Million Democratic Voters Per Year

Dallas—At a meeting of Evangelicals for a Christian Government in Dallas this week, leading Christian thinkers were reconsidering their push to overturn Roe v. Wade, making abortion illegal once again.

Ralph Reedy, Imperial Wizard of the group, addressed the concerns in his keynote address. “While the Lord’s directive is clear, the political ramifications are murky. The demographics suggest that most of the nearly one million currently legal abortions in this country occur among the poor, among African-Americans, Latinos, and financially-challenged Caucasians. Frankly, there are not many conservative Republicans in that group. So imagine, if you will, the exponential growth of the Democratic Party in the wake of an abortion ban.”

Attendees at the conference were stunned by Reedy’s computations. A chastened Susie Higgins, who had arrived at the keynote exuberantly waving a photo of an aborted fetus, seemed distraught when asked about the speech. “It’s food for thought,” she said. “But I’m thinking if we can cut entitlements like Medicaid and food stamps and welfare, we might be able to, you know, cut into that Democratic advantage. Then there’s always the prison system. Prisoners can’t vote, can they?”

The ECG is expected to issue a position paper by the end of the week refining their position. Reedy himself was troubled by the conundrum. “I think Susie has a point,” he said as he toweled down after his speech. “We must either continue aborting Democrats or find a way to imprison them before they turn eighteen. I think we have a pretty good record on imprisonment, so we may be able to satisfy both God and the party.”

Movie Listings

2005-11-15T07:23:00.000-07:00

Bring It On III, Cineplex South, 3:20, 5:00, 6:40, 8:20, 9:50. Comic romp stars George W. Bush as a young man who dresses as a female cheerleader to dodge National Guard service. Mayhem ensues. Rated PG.

U.S. Headlines

2005-11-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

REPUBLICANS PUT BUSH IN "TIME OUT"

Won't Be Allowed At the Dinner Table Until He Does Something About His Approval Ratings

Judicial Watch

2005-11-15T06:01:00.000-07:00

CONGRESS LOOKS FORWARD TO DENYING BENEFITS TO ADDITIONAL ONE MILLION CHILDREN PER YEAR

Likely Reversal of Roe v. Wade Promises Benefit-Denying Bonanza

Washington, D.C.--The Republican Congress, about to approve $54 billion in cuts to Head Start, food stamp, free lunch, medicare, and college loan programs for the current generation of poverty-stricken young people, was abuzz this morning with the possibility of denying such benefits from an additional one million children per year. That possibility, fueled by Monday's reports on Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito's position on Roe v. Wade, caused a cheer to rise from House Republicans.

Republican Representative Ron Paul of Texas was elated at the possibility. "This is a great opportunity to cause some real visible suffering," he said from the floor of the House. "Too often we'll pass a bill and not really see the efffects because they happen in areas I simply won't allow my driver to take me. But this--an additional million people a year going hungry and uneducated. This will be big! It will make those of us who have worked hard for our money feel a little better to see the poor lazy folks get what they deserve."

Charles Allgood, head of the Big Box Lobbying Group was equally enthused. "Now we can really put the squeeze on our work force. Folks'll be climbing over each other to be WalMart greeters."

President Bush, questioned during a White House brunch with the Haves and the Have Mores, a major Republican fundraising group, was upbeat. "Look," he said. "We have almost eight million millionaires in this country. Many of them are so busy making and counting their money they don't have time to reproduce. The way I see it, many of these unwanted children--if they're cute and white and smile big, and if we can pass that $100 billion tax cut and get rid of that pesky inheritance tax--have the chance to be little millionaires."

Midterm Elections 2006

2005-11-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

BUSH LAMENTS LOSS OF 1,652 REPUBLICAN VOTERS IN IRAQ