Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

This Just In: News That Stays News

Apostrophe use up 900% since 2002

Grammarian’s predict still higher rate’s in the coming decade’s

Normal, Illinois—A study commissioned by the United States Department of Education report’s apostrophe use is up 900% since January of 2002. Much of this increase is attributed to handwritten sign’s, but apostrophe’s have also shown a significant increase on commercially-produced sign’s.

Calling the increase “alarming,” U.S.D.E. Apostophe Specialist Josh Stearn’s predicted that by 2010 every “s” would be accompanied by an apostrophe. “It’s a little disconcerting,” Stearn’s said in a hastily called press conference at the Department of Education’s Punctuation Control Center. “Given the worldwide shortage of apostrophe’s, supply’s could be exhausted by mid century.”

A weary President Bush, appearing on national television for the first time in more than a month, suggested the current boom in apostrophe use would pass. “My intelligence tell’s me that these figure’s are artificially inflated,” the President said. “A great many of these apostrophe’s are being produced by terrorist cell’s operating within university’s.” As a precaution, Mr. Bush announced that he was raising the terrorist alert to orange.


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