Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

This Just In: News That Stays News

PRESIDENT BUSH LASHES OUT AT CRITICS OF ENVIRONMENTAL POLICY
Critics "Undermine War Against the Environment"

Washington--In a speech before The Heritage Foundation think tank today, President Bush had his harshest words yet for critics of his environmental policy, saying they are undermining American miners and loggers on the front lines of the struggle.

"The war on the environment will not be easily won," Bush said to the assembled tankers. "Some will approach this fight with a defeatist attitude. Some will question the intelligence that led us into this war. But the stakes in the global war on the environment are too high, the national interest too important to let political ideologues level false charges." His opening salvo was roundly applauded by the conservative foundation.

"We have made strides," he continued. "Hurricane Karina was a setback, it's true. But we are winning the war on the environment. We have levelled forests, reduced air quality, despoiled pristine wilderness with our oil-drilling technology, and we are planning to eliminate a number of endangered and threatened species with one act of sweeping legislation."

"We will never back down. We will never give in. We will never accept anything less than complete victory," Bush said in his most impassioned speech yet on the environment.

Bush said the United States and its allies are determined to keep the environment from gaining control of any country. The president's remarks at the The Heritage Foundation were part of the administration's effort to bolster waning U.S. public support for the war.

posted by ¡Chuckissimo! | 1:57 PM

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