Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Men in the News

Chuck Calabreze's Poem for Father's Day, 2006


Letting the dog out.
Letting the dog in.
Feeding the dog.
Scooping the poops.
Googling things.
Checking the furnace.
Stopping the drip.
Watering the garden.
Snapping the photo.
Scolding the kids.
Setting the alarm.
Spoiling the ending.
Saving the doc.
Recovering the doc.
Printing the doc.
Broiling the steak.
Spraying the bugs.
Lugging the groceries.
Knowing the teams.
Finding the dog.
Naming the bird.
Knowing the time.
Tuning guitars.
Hanging the picture.
Missing the point.
Making the sandwich.
Spoiling the kids.
Pronouncing the wine.
Making the hot water hotter.

Tossing the frisbee.
Loading the trunk.
Adding the numbers.
Telling it straight.
Buying the book.
Testing the water.
Making the coffee.
Gassing the car.
Lifting the weights.
Avoiding the issue.
Pronouncing the scotch.
Watching the game.
Getting cheap flights.
Going out in the cold.
Carving the meat.
Knowing the date.
Starting the car.
Saving receipts.
Entertaining the men.
Improving the reception.
Filling the drinks.
Cashing the checks.
Lifting the sofa.
Dropping the kids.
Deleting the messages.
Changing the oil.
Remembering the number.
Finding the remote.
Checking the temperature outside.

Showing up late.
Fixing the squeak.
Calling the plumber.
Changing the bulb.
Doing the taxes.
Telling the joke.
Starting the fire.
Throwing the ball.
Talking to salesmen.
Bashing the prez.
Getting up early.
Staying up late.
Making the mess.
Finding the watch.
Singing along.
Paying the bills.
Eating the leftovers.
Picking the tunes.
Getting the mail.
Setting the buttons.
Losing the tools.
Emptying trash.
Tracking the mud in.
Restarting the computer.
Changing the tire.
Watching the news.
Kissing the wife.
Finding out where the hell that knocking sound is coming from.


Blogger Loca415 said...

HA! I'm glad I'm not a dad....but who knows,Leah and I are tying the knot soon :)

8:34 PM  

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