Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

This Just In: News That Stays News


Midland, Texas—In a clandestine press conference in south Midland, Texas, yesterday, a member of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confessed that nobody really knows what happened on March 13, 1969, the day John Kerry pulled Jim Rassman out of the Bay Hap River--an act for which Kerry was awarded the Bronze Star.

“We were into some killer shit that day,” said the man, who identified himself as a passenger on Lester Thurlow’s swift boat. “All I remember is the colors, how everything seemed more intense than usual, and how it seemed to take hours just to move your hand from here to here.” The man moved his hand a foot to the right.

“Then there were noises. I remember thinking that it sounded like a Keith Moon drum solo. I thought to myself, ‘maybe we should do something,’ but the moment passed and I nodded out. When I snapped out of it, boats were speeding around like bumper cars. It was like, Wow, what’s all this?”

The man also claimed that a recent meeting of the Swift Boat Vets fell apart over a prolonged off-the-record argument over whether they’d smoked Thai sticks or sensimilla. One vet even suggested it was black Lebanese hash. According to the man’s account, the meeting broke up with Lester Thurlow grumbling, “Kerry always had the best weed, and he never shared.”

A few enterprising vets suggested that Kerry’s stinginess could be the theme of the Vets’ next attack ad.


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