Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Judicial Watch

Likely Reversal of Roe v. Wade Promises Benefit-Denying Bonanza

Washington, D.C.--The Republican Congress, about to approve $54 billion in cuts to Head Start, food stamp, free lunch, medicare, and college loan programs for the current generation of poverty-stricken young people, was abuzz this morning with the possibility of denying such benefits from an additional one million children per year. That possibility, fueled by Monday's reports on Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito's position on Roe v. Wade, caused a cheer to rise from House Republicans.

Republican Representative Ron Paul of Texas was elated at the possibility. "This is a great opportunity to cause some real visible suffering," he said from the floor of the House. "Too often we'll pass a bill and not really see the efffects because they happen in areas I simply won't allow my driver to take me. But this--an additional million people a year going hungry and uneducated. This will be big! It will make those of us who have worked hard for our money feel a little better to see the poor lazy folks get what they deserve."

Charles Allgood, head of the Big Box Lobbying Group was equally enthused. "Now we can really put the squeeze on our work force. Folks'll be climbing over each other to be WalMart greeters."

President Bush, questioned during a White House brunch with the Haves and the Have Mores, a major Republican fundraising group, was upbeat. "Look," he said. "We have almost eight million millionaires in this country. Many of them are so busy making and counting their money they don't have time to reproduce. The way I see it, many of these unwanted children--if they're cute and white and smile big, and if we can pass that $100 billion tax cut and get rid of that pesky inheritance tax--have the chance to be little millionaires."


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