Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Archaeology in the News


Lascaux, France--A team of international archaeologists working in a cave adjacent to the famous painted cave at Lascaux have unearthed the world's oldest known "To Do List." Thought to be nearly 15,000 years old, the "To Do List" has been translated by Dr. Martin Schlomsky, the foremost expert on paleolithic symbolism, who was"astonished at how little things have changed." Although the translation is not yet definitive, Dr. Schlomsky offered this version, which will be published in the February issue of Nature:

To Do:

1. Wake Up
2. Grunt
3. Scratch
4. Light fire
5. Scratch Wife
6. Cook Chunk of Meat
7. Eat
8. Belch
9. Urinate
10. Nap
11. Sharpen Spears
12. Paint Stick-Figure Deer on Cave Wall
13. Grope Wife
14. Nap
15. Hunt
16. Kill Deer
17. Start New Fire
18. Cook Deer
19. Eat Deer
20. Throw Extra Log on Fire
21. Grope Wife
22. Sleep


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