Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

This Just In: News That Stays News

A forlorn Representative Wilbur Wright watches his office door, still hoping to be indicted


Puzzled Congressman Awaits Subpoena, Phone Call, Knock at the Door, “Something”

Washington--House Representative Wilbur Wright, R-Wisconsin, periodically pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, turns it on and off, and stares at it in disbelief. As the only Republican in Washington not currently being investigated for perjury, fraud, or unethical conduct, Wright is feeling alienated.

“Frankly, this is more than puzzling,” Wright stated at a sparsely attended Saturday morning press conference. “I’m as ruthless as the next guy. I don’t understand it.”

Wright brushes off supporters who point out that Washington agencies may simply have run out of investigators. “They’ve got time for Halliburton, Halliburton’s subsidiaries, Halliburton’s subsidiaries’ subsidiaries, two-bit Republican embezzlers and kick-back schemers in Iraq, Scooter Libby, Karl Rove, Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, Jack Abramoff, Ralph Reed, Robert Ney, the Republican governors of Ohio and Connecticut, the mayor of Spokane, even small time crooks like David Safavian and Tim Flanigan—I mean, come on, I’m a friggin Congressman, I deserve some attention.”

Sources close to Mr. Wright say he is planning on turning himself in for “unspecified misconduct” when Congress returns from recess.


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