Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

This Just In: News That Stays News

Reversal Expected to Produce an Additional One Million Democratic Voters Per Year

Dallas—At a meeting of Evangelicals for a Christian Government in Dallas this week, leading Christian thinkers were reconsidering their push to overturn Roe v. Wade, making abortion illegal once again.

Ralph Reedy, Imperial Wizard of the group, addressed the concerns in his keynote address. “While the Lord’s directive is clear, the political ramifications are murky. The demographics suggest that most of the nearly one million currently legal abortions in this country occur among the poor, among African-Americans, Latinos, and financially-challenged Caucasians. Frankly, there are not many conservative Republicans in that group. So imagine, if you will, the exponential growth of the Democratic Party in the wake of an abortion ban.”

Attendees at the conference were stunned by Reedy’s computations. A chastened Susie Higgins, who had arrived at the keynote exuberantly waving a photo of an aborted fetus, seemed distraught when asked about the speech. “It’s food for thought,” she said. “But I’m thinking if we can cut entitlements like Medicaid and food stamps and welfare, we might be able to, you know, cut into that Democratic advantage. Then there’s always the prison system. Prisoners can’t vote, can they?”

The ECG is expected to issue a position paper by the end of the week refining their position. Reedy himself was troubled by the conundrum. “I think Susie has a point,” he said as he toweled down after his speech. “We must either continue aborting Democrats or find a way to imprison them before they turn eighteen. I think we have a pretty good record on imprisonment, so we may be able to satisfy both God and the party.”


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