Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Local News

Local Interior Decorators Flooded with Calls About the Evils of Evolution

Santa Fe—“We’re just trying to get the sofa in the right place,” says designer Janine Wright from her perch atop an oak and red velvet barstool at the offices of Intelligent Design, a ten year old Santa Fe interior design firm. “That’s a little hard to do when you’re fielding calls about flagelli and gaps in the fossil record.”

James Fuller, Wright’s business partner and lead designer, agreed. “We’re really just concerned with the evolution of the client’s home. I can’t be explaining punctuated equilibrium’s efficacy as an alternate explanation for the gaps in the record. I just can’t. Not while I’m struggling to pull my fabrics together.”

The two are pondering a name change, but at present have not settled on a suitable moniker.


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