Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

My Photo
Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


According to Stephen James, editor of the Longshoreman's Review, the poet Chuck Calabreze has been submitting his poems with the following cover letter. Sources close to the poet say "J. Scott Pemberton" is a fictional character invented by the poet himself.

Dear Editors,

Chuck Calabreze deserves to be famous. His poetry, fatuous as it may sometimes seem, contains a kernel of wisdom or intelligence or perhaps a certain je ne se quois the likes of which this century, young as it is, has not seen. Saying this, I don’t mean to demean the other writers in your--how shall I put this--“stable.” Your stable certainly contains an impressive array of horses, all of various breeds and all with their strengths, the result of centuries of careful breeding and training. Might I just suggest that Chuck Calabreze is a horse unlike any you have seen. Part Clydesdale, part eohippus, Mr. Calabreze can float or stomp, leap or just plod along for stanza after lengthy stanza. Yoked by the most ponderous philosophy or unbridled and left to wander the pastures of prehistory, restrained by the bit of form or galumphing about freely, Mr. Calabreze returns each evening with the poem secure in his horsey mouth. Chuck Calabreze deserves to be famous. Please help engender this fame by publishing one or more of the enclosed poems.


J. Scott Pemberton


Post a Comment

<< Home