Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Monday, March 13, 2006

This Just In: News that Stays News


Washington—In the wake of the NSA domestic spying fiasco, Republicans in Congress are preparing new legislation that not only would make what the President authorized the NSA to do legal, but would also make anything the president cooks up in the future legal.

“There are so many laws,” said White House Spokesman Scott McClellan. “This law says you can’t spy on U.S. citizens; that law says you can’t detain people without counsel. Another law says you can’t torture prisoners. Still another says you can’t sell political favors to make millions of dollars. The White House staff would be up all night trying to keep up with them. We want to get on with the business of governing the nation. This bill will make that possible.”

Democratic senators announced that they would make a feeble attempt to block the law should it reach the floor for a vote. “We’ll let Ted Kennedy make a few scalding speeches, then we’ll check the polls and decide where to go from there,” said a tentatively fired-up Richard Durbin.


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