From the Archives

AN UNTOLD 9/11 STORY: STONERS PANICKED, FEARING ATTACK FROM “SCARAB TERRORISTS”

Newark--On September 11, 2001, Rob Geiss and Tommy Ardolino were “doing some really fine bud” and watching “Good Morning America” after finishing their night shift in the warehouse at Scholastic Books when they were temporarily panicked by rumors of “scarab terrorists.”

Visions of gigantic golden beetles landing on U.S. shores, destroying malls and skyscrapers and crushing automobiles temporarily paralyzed the two, who have been best buds, according to Ardolino, for, like, five years.

“All I could see were these gigantic metallic beetles, like, stomping through the streets of, like, Newark,” said Geiss. “And, like, the National Guard’s weapons were, like, useless against them. And they had, like, lasers and shit. Whew. The whole thing sent me to the pantry for, like, two bags of Fritos.”

Ardolino was equally frightened. “When I first heard about the scarab terrorists, I thought, like, who woulda thunk it. I mean, we’re always worried about those Middle East psychos, and here come these big beetles.”

It wasn’t until after noon, when Willie Murphy, a co-worker, called to tell them about the alleged “Arab terrorists” that the two were able to calm down enough to stop stuffing their faces and get some sleep.

“As bad as it turned out,” said Geiss, “I’m still glad there weren’t any scarabs involved.” “Ditto,” said an obviously relieved Ardolino.