Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Monday, October 17, 2005

From the Archives

DISAPPOINTED PILOTS RETURN HOME WITHOUT DROPPING BOMBS

Afghanistan--Eager to “bomb Afghanistan back into the stone age,” pilots flying the first mission over that war-torn country returned to base dejected.

“Apparently,” said Art Howe, leader of the mission, “somebody beat us to it. They’re already in the stone age.” Howe briefly considered bombing them back to earlier geological periods, but decided to return to base carrying his full payload. “Stone Age, Jurassic, Triassic,” he said. “It all looks the same from 20,000 feet. It didn’t seem worth the effort.”

He spent the afternoon playing rummy with the other pilots, but held out some hope. “Maybe this bin Laden character will move on to some country with buildings and bridges and TV towers and railroads--you know, stuff that you can really blow up.”

posted by ¡Chuckissimo! | 1:30 PM

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