Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Monday, October 17, 2005

This Just In: News That Stays News

FIELD TRIP PRODUCES RASH OF COMPLAINTS FROM FOURTH GRADE CLASS

Santa Fe--Mrs. Irma Walker’s fourth grade class returned from a nature walk in the Eldorado Wilderness “cranky and despondent” reports PTA President Patricia Chavez.

“Some of the children,” Mrs. Walker reported to the September 25 PTA Meeting, “apparently thought we were taking a ‘virtual nature walk’ and tired after a hundred or so yards. Others complained that giant, scary animals did not leap unbidden from behind boulders. Still others expected to be accompanied by electronically-produced safari music. When we did spot two mule deer in the valley below us, most of the children were disappointed by what they called ‘poor resolution.’”

When PTA President Chavez opened the discussion to the assembled parents, several reported a similar disappointment with the PTA Meeting itself. At least one parent thought it would be good if they could all eat “power pills” and grow to three times their size to do battle with such intractable problems.

posted by ¡Chuckissimo! | 1:55 PM

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