from THE DEVIL'S NEW DICTIONARY

Christmas, n. That time of year when we buy people who don't care things they don't need with money we don't have.

This Just In: News that Stays News

Chief Illiniwek now (top) and then (below)

COMPROMISE ON INDIAN MASCOT ISSUE MAKES FOR UNUSUAL SIDELINE ACTIVITY

NCAA’s New “No Stereotypes” Rule Receives Generally Favorable Reviews from Illini Fans

Champaign, Illinois—The University of Illinois campus is abuzz with the changes to its much-maligned mascot, Chief Illiniwek, who in the past has stalked the sidelines of Illinois sporting events dressed in headdress and Northern Plains-style regalia exhorting the teams and riling up fans. The NCAA’s new ban on the use of “unrealistic stereotypes” as mascots has resulted in a wholesale change in the Chief’s outfit, demeanor, and even his cheering style.

The new Chief, now called "Attorney" Illiniwek, arrives at midfield in a silver Lexus, dressed in a three-piece suit with neat braids running down his back, dark sunglasses, a cell phone in one hand and a briefcase in the other. He still stomps up and down the sidelines, but now, instead of war whoops, he’s apt to respond to a questionable call on the field by shouting “I object!” Occasionally, he’ll go face-to-face with a ref and “serve him papers,” saying curtly, “I’ll see you in court.” When the Illini score a touchdown, he swings his briefcase in the air, performs a series of back flips, and places a cell phone call to a lucky fan.

The football fans have surprisingly taken to this new “Indian” mascot. A group of twelve University of Illinois seniors have bought up the seats behind Attorney Illiniwek’s customary position and have dubbed themselves “The Jury.” They call Mr. Illiniwek variously “The Prosecutor” or “The Attorney for the Defense,” depending on whether the Illini have the ball or not. Illiniwek will occasionally plead his case to them; they signal their verdict with thumbs up or down.

Other schools are responding to the NCAA’s edict in similar ways. The Bradley University Braves, for example, now feature a Native American installation artist as their mascot. At a recent game, "Ms. Teters," as school officials call her, built a satirical installation that parodied the other team’s offense, an anachronistic Texas Wishbone, so effectively that the embarrassed quarterback could not concentrate on calling the plays. Bradley won the game 63-0.

These early triumphs augur well for the new regulation’s success, though not everyone is pleased. The Southwestern College ”Moundbuilders” thought, given their nickname, a contemporary Indian architect could serve as their mascot. Fans, however, were less than enthused when the dapper, if slightly tousled, mascot ignored the game and spent two and a half hours building an intricate scale model of the stadium instead.

This Just In: News That Stays News

Group of military draftees congratulate each other after passing U.S. Army's hearing test

NEW MILITARY DRAFT INITIATIVE TO SOLVE BOTH SOCIAL SECURITY AND IRAQ TROOP SHORTFALLS

Proposal Would Raise Draft, Retirement Ages to 67

Hollywood--Speaking at a West Hollywood High after-school hip hop dance class threatened by his own budget cuts, President Bush today unveiled a new plan aimed at solving two of the administration's most intractable problems: shortfalls in social security funding and in troop strength for the war in Iraq. The President's proposal would simply raise the military draft and retirement ages to 67.

"This bill," Bush said during a break in the dancing, "will allow our seniors to live productive, albeit significantly shorter, lives and to give something back to the America that gave so much to them. It will also allow us to continue programs like your hippity hoppety dance class here, programs that work. It goes without saying that it will also open up numerous WalMart greeter positions to young people like yourselves."

The proposal was met with enthusiastic applause by the young dancers, many of whom were nearly fifty years from retirement themselves. Blake Tawny, an aspiring dancer and actress, was quick to see additional benefits to the plan. "So my dad," she said as she leaned against a Coke machine between routines, "he's, like, 63, and is so, like, in my face about everything. With this new law, he'll be, like, on his way to Iraq in four years. That's, like, so cool."

Democrats were quick to oppose the initiative, though John Kerry (D-MA) was intrigued by one aspect of the plan. "This will give the president yet another opportunity to dodge a wartime draft."

This Just In: News That Stays News

REPUBLICAN CONGRESS PROPOSES NEW WAGE GUIDELINES TO STEM FLOW OF IMMIGRANTS

New Dollar a Day Wage Limit Will Make Illegal Immigration Less Attractive, Say Bill's Backers