Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Sports in Brief

KOBE BRYANT GIVEN GAME BALL AFTER 81 POINT EFFORT

Los Angeles--After being given the game ball for his record-setting 81 point effort versus the Toronto Raptors, Kobe Bryant appeared briefly at the post-game press conference. "I only wish there were more than one game ball," said Bryant, nodding towards his teammates. Lamar Odom, one of those teammates, was quick to agree. "Yeah, then maybe we'd have gotten to touch it once in a while."

U.S. Headlines

AFTER THREE DAYS, COLORADO DATA MINERS RESCUED UNHARMED
National Mining Safety Board Looking into Alleged Safety Violations

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Documents

According to Stephen James, editor of the Longshoreman's Review, the poet Chuck Calabreze has been submitting his poems with the following cover letter. Sources close to the poet say "J. Scott Pemberton" is a fictional character invented by the poet himself.

Dear Editors,

Chuck Calabreze deserves to be famous. His poetry, fatuous as it may sometimes seem, contains a kernel of wisdom or intelligence or perhaps a certain je ne se quois the likes of which this century, young as it is, has not seen. Saying this, I don’t mean to demean the other writers in your--how shall I put this--“stable.” Your stable certainly contains an impressive array of horses, all of various breeds and all with their strengths, the result of centuries of careful breeding and training. Might I just suggest that Chuck Calabreze is a horse unlike any you have seen. Part Clydesdale, part eohippus, Mr. Calabreze can float or stomp, leap or just plod along for stanza after lengthy stanza. Yoked by the most ponderous philosophy or unbridled and left to wander the pastures of prehistory, restrained by the bit of form or galumphing about freely, Mr. Calabreze returns each evening with the poem secure in his horsey mouth. Chuck Calabreze deserves to be famous. Please help engender this fame by publishing one or more of the enclosed poems.

Sincerely,

J. Scott Pemberton

U.S. Headlines

BUSH, NSA ANNOUNCE BAN ON "FREE NIGHTS & WEEKENDS" CALL PLANS
"Impossible to Keep Up," Prez Laments

from THE DEVIL'S NEW DICTIONARY

Deconstruction, n. The art of dismantling someone else's text and using the materials of that text to construct a far superior text of your own while maintaining that nothing can be built of anything.

U.S. Headlines

“KINDLER, GENTLER” NSA BEGINS PUBLIC RELATIONS BLITZ WITH NEW MOTTO: “AT THE NSA, WE’RE GOOD LISTENERS!”

U.S. Headlines

PAT ROBERTSON CALLS FOR THE ASSASSINATION OF EVERYBODY BUT HIMSELF

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Local Headlines

LOCAL MAN "ALL FREAKED OUT" BY BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Expected More Ridin' and Ropin', Less Wrasslin'

Profile


“FAILED WRITER” DAVE JONAS SERVES AS WARNING TO STUDENTS


Santa Fe, New Mexico—Dave Jonas, Chair of the Creative Writing Department at Santa Fe College, sets aside his sushi, puts down his chopsticks, leans back in his office chair, and laughs his characteristic laugh, a chuckle that that often degenerates into a sound like a cat choking on a hairball. Today, he stops himself short to reflect on where he’s been and what brought him to this place and time.

“I’ve basically become what I have always detested,” he says in an almost inaudible voice, “one of those writers who had just enough early success to secure a comfortable position and then, for whatever reason, ceased to be productive.” Jonas’s vita is littered with early awards—“look closely,” he says, “they all say ‘younger’--‘younger writer,’ ‘younger poet’--then it all stops. The awards dry up, the publications slow down, the early fire turned to a pit of ashes.” Jonas’s judgment might seem harsh, but all the facts suggest that his is an honest assessment.

“If nothing else,” Jonas says, “I can serve as an example of what not to do.” He picks up his chopsticks and deftly plucks a spicy tuna roll from the platter. “But, in my defense, I should point out that 99% of all poets ultimately fail to write anything worthwhile. It’s just that most poets keep pretending that they’re important poets until they die.” For the first time, Jonas smiles. “I just pulled up a few years short.”

Stacked in a corner of the office is a pile of what look to be manuscripts. Asked about them, Jonas waves his hand in the air. “Sure, those are manuscripts—three collections of poetry, two novels, a play, miscellaneous essays. It’s all crap. Publishable crap. No worse than the rest of the crap that fills the literary magazines, but crap, nonetheless. To publish it would be an affront to humanity and to the trees that would have to give their lives to provide the paper.”

What does Jonas see in the future? “Oh, I’ll write a great heap of crap. I’ll fill boxes with the stuff. I can’t bring myself to throw it away. I feel a kind of affection for it, the way one might feel attached to a wart or a mole, an imperfection that reminds you of who you are. So I stack up the pages. And I’ll continue to do that. Writing has become a tic, an involuntary reflex.” He flashes another quick smile. “It kills the time, you know?”

Psychology in the News

CRY FOR HELP NOW SEEN AS CRY FOR HELP BY FRIENDS, RELATIVES

Arlington, Virginia—Friends and relatives of the late James Spencer, who took his own life on his twenty-second birthday, now see his cry for help as a cry for help.

“He called us all and said he was depressed and felt like killing himself,” said his cousin Philip Spencer, spokesman for the family. “We should have recognized that as a sign.” Gary Stevens, long time friend and James Spencer’s bandmate in local punk rock band, The Anarchist Support Group, agreed. “Sometimes a cry for help can be a little thing, like someone refusing to eat or maybe you just see it in the way they carry themselves or whatever, but none of us was expecting it to come in the form of a cry for help.”

Psychologist Carrie Henson, who has been working with the family, echoed Stevens’ thoughts. “With a young man like James, who had a history of depression, we tend to watch for subtle changes in behavior—maybe he’s staying up all night , or drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes excessively, pacing. Maybe he’s not as meticulous about his grooming. All these subtle signs can indicate the onset of depression. Sometimes, though, as vigilant as we are, we miss something. James Spencer’s cry for help was just one of those missed signals.”

In the wake of James Spencer’s untimely death, the National Association of Psychologists has installed “cry for help” at number seven on its list of warning signs for young people with suicidal tendencies.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

From the Archives: June 15, 2003

POETS AGAINST THE WAR HAS COMPANY ON THE WEB

Reuters--Internet surfers who have been visiting poetsagainstthewar.org were surprised this week to discover a number of other war-related poetry sites on the web.

The first of these sites to appear was The Wall Street Journal's poetsforthewar.org. This was immediately followed by poetswhocouldntcarelessaboutthewar.org. Another popular site, the enigmatic poetswhomightbefororagainstthewarbuttheirverseistoo-
obscuretotell.org,
made its debut on Wednesday.

A number of specialty sites have also appeared. The Language Poets' site, poetswhothinksyntacticalconventionsarecausingthewar.org received four hits, all by Charles Bernstein, in its first week on the net. The New Formalists' site, rhymeandmeterforgodandcountry.org, proved to be much more popular, especially after the web master linked the site to the NRA's page. Poetswhoareagainstthewarbutwhoinsistonwritingwell.org remained "under construction" as of press time.

The most popular site of all during the last week of May turned out to be poetswhoarebusybuildingcareersbywritingthesameinnocuouspoemoverand-
overagain.edu.
The site was deluged by hits--mostly multiple hits by poets whose work appears on the site.

This Just In: News That Stays News

PRESIDENT BUSH ANNOUNCES
NEW EDUCATION INITIATIVE

Vows to Route Non-Readers
from their Hiding Places
and Destroy Them


An angry President Bush
addresses non-reader

Fort Benning, Georgia
--In his latest move to improve education in America, President George W. Bush today announced "Operation Total Literacy."

"Let this be a warning to all non-readers," the President said during his monthly review of the troops at Fort Benning, "America will not tolerate the illiterate. You may think America does not care that you're illiterate. You may think that America does not have the will to act to correct your illiteracy. But let this be a warning: America cares about literacy and America will not tolerate illiteracy. Wherever we must go, be it East L.A. or Appalachia, West Texas or right here in Georgia, that is where we will go. And whatever military resources are required, America is prepared to supply. We will travel, fully armed, to every corner of this great nation. We will find the illiterate and we will destroy them."

Operation Total Literacy is the first of a series of education initiatives planned by the administration, though the president would not speak about the other initiatives because of "national security issues." Sources close to the president indicated that several intiatives are nearly ready for unveiling, including "Operation Add, Subtract, Multiply or Die"; "Operation Name All Fifty States and Their Capitals or Die"; "Operation Draw and Label the Parts of a Cell or Die"; and "Operation Make a Diorama about Lewis & Clark or Die."

"You know," the president said to a group of senior officers gathered in the Officers' Club after his speech, "some of our critics have questioned our committment to education. Some of our critics have said we are soft on education. Well, let those critics beware, because we will not stop until America is 100% literate."

Both House and Senate leaders announced that they supported Operation Total Literacy and would deliver a declaration of war on the illiterate by the end of the week.

Archaeology in the News

ARCHAEOLOGISTS FIND FIRST AUTHENTIC "TO DO LIST" IN CAVE NEAR LASCAUX

Lascaux, France--A team of international archaeologists working in a cave adjacent to the famous painted cave at Lascaux have unearthed the world's oldest known "To Do List." Thought to be nearly 15,000 years old, the "To Do List" has been translated by Dr. Martin Schlomsky, the foremost expert on paleolithic symbolism, who was"astonished at how little things have changed." Although the translation is not yet definitive, Dr. Schlomsky offered this version, which will be published in the February issue of Nature:

To Do:

1. Wake Up
2. Grunt
3. Scratch
4. Light fire
5. Scratch Wife
6. Cook Chunk of Meat
7. Eat
8. Belch
9. Urinate
10. Nap
11. Sharpen Spears
12. Paint Stick-Figure Deer on Cave Wall
13. Grope Wife
14. Nap
15. Hunt
16. Kill Deer
17. Start New Fire
18. Cook Deer
19. Eat Deer
20. Throw Extra Log on Fire
21. Grope Wife
22. Sleep

Numbers in the News

HOW AMERICANS LIKE THEIR POETRY

17% Scratched into men's room stall
8% Read to them in monotone by wheezing American Lit prof
14% Acted out by hand puppets
12% Recited to them by lariat-twirling cowpoke
9% Recited as part of used-car pitch
12% Uttered breathlessly at "team building" workshop
9% Snorted into camera by WWF tag-team champs
19% Chanted rhythmically by daring, taboo-shattering performance poet, Angelique

from THE DEVIL'S NEW DICTIONARY

Inaugurate, v. To begin with ceremony what will end unceremoniously.

U.S. Headlines

HISTORIANS ASSESS W’S PRESIDENCY: “RECORD WILL SHOW HE WAS ONE HECK OF A PRESIDENT WHO DID ONE HECK OF A JOB”
Historians Also Admit They Have No Idea What that Means

U.S. Headlines

MICHAEL MOORE, TIRED OF “WHINING LIBERALS,” TAKES POSITION AS WAL-MART PUBLICIST
First Film Promotes Store’s New “Walk It Off” Health Care Plan

U.S. Headlines

SCHWARZENEGGER TO STATE PRISON OFFICIALS: "HURRY UP AND KILL HIM BEFORE HE DIES!"
76 Year Old, Diabetic, Legally Blind, Nearly Deaf, Wheelchair-Bound, Convicted Murderer Clarence Ray Allen’s Heart Trouble Makes Timing of Tuesday’s Execution Critical