Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Quote of the Day

"Cell phones are the new yawn."

--Chuck Calabreze

from The Devil's New Dictionary

Dawn, n., That singular moment when one has forgotten yesterday's miseries and has yet to encounter today's.

from The Devil's New Dictionary

Funeral, n., A solemn gathering that signals the end of a life and the beginning of a potluck.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

U.S. News

Left, family members of Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor disrupt court proceedings. Below, other family members rest after day spent frolicking in reflecting pool.


“We Told You So!” Say Conservative Critics of First Latina Justice

(AP)—Just two months into her tenure at the Supreme Court, Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor has already raised alarms among at least two of her fellow justices. Chief Justice John Roberts reported today that he has fielded “numerous complaints” about Justice Sotomayor’s behavior from Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. Roberts is reportedly investigating those complaints, as well as reports from Supreme Court staff members and parking attendants.

The most recent incident apparently occurred last Thursday, October 7, when Associate Justice Sotomayor reportedly “slept in,” arriving shortly before noon with a dozen of her extended family members, many of them half-asleep, in tow. They proceeded to climb on the furniture and “muck up” Sotomayor’s already cluttered office. Speaking in rapid-fire Spanish, the Sotomayor clan kept up “a non-stop babbling” that upset proceedings in the chambers.

When staff members returned from lunch, they reported seeing Sotomayor’s rusted Plymouth Bonneville parked next to the wading pool with all the doors open, blasting “some kind of Spanish music.” Family members had spread out a picnic on the concrete apron around the pool and, ignoring the “no swimming or wading” signs, several family members were frolicking in the pool itself.

Finally, Justice Sotomayor showed up for the afternoon session with a forty of Colt 45 in a paper bag. Swigging to punctuate her remarks, she then proceeded to launch her minority opinion from the back row. Head bobbing and one hand on her hip, she shouted, “Whachu mean, Mr. Big Justicio? Que lastima! It hurts my corazon cuando you talk like that, ese. You know whachu you can do? You can take your majority opinion and shove it up your blanco ass, senor!”

Justice Antonin Scalia, author of the majority opinion, stormed from the chambers, calling Sotomayor’s behavior “entirely inappropriate.” Witnesses say Justice Sotomayor followed Scalia to his car, shouting over and over, “Eeee, you’re one tough hombre!” Later, she joined her family in the wading pool, performing an impromptu poolside mambo in her dripping robes.

Reached for comment on Friday, a still-impassioned Justice Sotomayor said, “What tha fock? You can’t have a little fun in this town?”