Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Friday, October 21, 2005

This Just In: News That Stays News

Critics Call it a Transparent Move to Lift His Ailing Poll Numbers

Washington--In a radio address today, President Bush announced a sweeping new intiative in the manner of the Clear Skies Initiative, the Healthy Forests Initiative, and No Child Left Behind. Called the Happy, Approving People Act, the bill would require citizens, according to the president, "to stop grumbling in public" and to respond positively to surveys that ask questions like "are you better off now than you were four years ago?" and "do you approve of the President's handling of the war, domestic policy, the environment, and the economy?"

Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy called the act a transparent attempt by the president to bolster his own approval ratings, which have fallen from a record high of 90% immediately after the September 11th terrorist attacks to below 40% in most recent polls. In an afternoon press conference, a smiling White House Spokesman Scott McLellan dismissed Senator Kennedy's charge as "ludicrous."


Blogger Camille said...

Oh and I hear that along side this, they're organising a special reward system for promoting a feeling of general wellbeing and social cohesion... giving out chocolate fish to those who smile for so many hours in public.
But be careful, the damage to the 20 odd muscles in your face from this excercise has already spawned complaints from botox surgeons, whose clients are claiming insurance.
Thankfully the chocolate fish scheme only covers the insurance-free.

2:57 AM  

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