Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Friday, October 21, 2005

This Just In: News That Stays News

LAWYER: MAN DIED OF LUNG CANCER MOMENTS BEFORE BULLETS STRUCK

McKeesport, Pennsylvania--Lawyers for Robert Ferrin, whose suit against a gun manufacturer is about to be thrown out of court after the passage of the Firearm Manufacturers Protection Act passed by congress yesterday, now say that Ferrin, a smoker for twenty years, actually died of lung cancer just before seven bullets from an illegally purchased handgun ripped through his 42 year old body. The team of lawyers say they will drop the suit against the Olin arms manufacturing company and Wal-Mart and join a class-action lawsuit against Philip Morris, R.J. Reynolds, Lorillard, the Liggett Group, and Brown & Williamson, the five largest cigarette manufacturers. Meanwhile, in Washington, Representative Tom DeLay (R-Texas) leaned back in his office chair, sighted down the barrel of his Smith & Wesson, and announced that congress "would cut Mr. Ferrin off at the pass." New legislation, sponsored by Congressman DeLay would make it a crime, according to DeLay, "to say anything bad about any company that manufactures anything." President Bush has said he would sign such a bill should it cross his desk.

1 Comments:

Blogger xavyeronassis said...

funny, I died of lung cancer last Wednesday, but the child support office said I still have to go to work because I'm behind on my payments.

11:12 PM  

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