Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Monday, October 17, 2005

This Just In: News That Stays News

LOCAL MAN FORGETS ATTACHMENT

Santa Fe--Kenneth Wurtzburg, a fifth grade teacher at Pinon Elementary School, sent yet another e-mail today without attaching the document he referred to repeatedly in the body of his message. Lois Walpole, a colleague and sometimes companion of Mr. Wurzburg, immediately e-mailed him, copying everyone in the Public School System, "So where's the attachment?!?!?!?" This was followed by a sheepish message from Mr. Wurtzman that ran under the title "Here it is, for reals." Other Pinon teachers, who wished to remain anonymous, say that this is the 43rd consecutive message from Wurtzman in which he forgot the attachment.

posted by ¡Chuckissimo! | 2:14 PM

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