Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

This Just In: News That Stays News


Albuquerque, NM—Local college student Angela Carter, who until recently called herself “Madguurl” on the popular internet community MySpace, now says she regrets posting a photo of herself, drink in hand, pulling her midriff top provocatively off one shoulder.

Carter, a junior majoring in Political Science at the University of New Mexico, discussed her experience over a latte in the Coffee Hut, a popular local restaurant. “At first I thought, ‘Wow, I look good!’ Then the friend requests started pouring in. I got 526 requests the first day—all from guys saying things like ‘wow, you look hot!’ and ‘whoa, party girl’ and ‘what up, party girl?’ and ‘hey, hottie, we should party.’ There were, like, way too many exclamation points involved. It was a total booty call. I replied to the first ten or fifteen requests. They were all frontin’ they were twenty-five, but most of the guys seemed to be 11 or 12 years old. They were all G’d out, too, talkin’ jazz about ‘homies’ and ‘road dogs,’ always ‘knucklin’ up” or ‘puttin’ vests on their jimmies,’ ‘bein’ P.O.D. in L.B.C.’ or ‘marinatin’ in their cribs.’ I don’t wanna sweat their technique, but, hey, I’m highsidin’ these wankstas. I don’t need no beat bitin’ cave boys from the burbs tossin’ me no cateye.”

Immediately after the interview, Carter posted a demure photo of herself and her dog, Aristotle, and revised her profile to say she enjoyed “long walks, reading, self-improvement, and talking about relationships.”


Blogger neo northern said...

Wow John. Since you only teach one class now, you have a lot of time to write great blogs. Serious.

1:49 AM  

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