U.S. Headlines

NEW BILL AUTHORIZING ENGLISH AS NATIONAL LANGUAGE JEOPARDIZES PRESIDENT BUSH'S CITIZENSHIP

Status Hinges on Definition of "English"

U.S. Headlines

VIETNAM VETS FOR WHATEVER HOLD POINTLESS RALLY

Lifestyle

Matt Whidby, center, spontaneously invents new reality show in which contestants have
fingers removed before a life-or-death bowling match. Friends
Ed Atterbery, upper left, and Dan Wilkerson, lower right, "inadvertantly" encourage him.

COLLEGE STUDENTS TIRED OF ROOMMATE'S "THAT'D MAKE A GREAT REALITY SHOW" JOKES

Norton, Massachusetts—On Thursday afternoon, roommates Ed Atterbery and Dan Wilkerson announced to those assembled in the Wheaton College cafeteria that they’d “had all they could take” of their roommate Matthew Whidby’s ‘that’d make a great reality show’ jokes. The two roommates admitted they’d chuckled politely at Whidby’s first few such jokes, but maintain they were unaware that by laughing they were actually encouraging him.

“One night we were sitting around drinking beer,” said Atterbery, “and Sue Hagar started vomiting in the middle of the floor and Matt said ‘Hey, that’d make a great reality show. You throw a kegger and then have five contestants crawl through the vomit to the door of the dorm.’ We didn’t know him well, so we chuckled a little to make him feel comfortable. But things quickly spiralled out of control.”

That night alone, Whidby came up with “at least six” “great reality show” premises, according to both Atterbery and Wilkerson. A surprising number of such scenarios, Wilkerson noted, featured “naked” or “scantily clad” coeds. Others featured fully-dressed coeds who endured a surprising number of situations in which clothing might be soaked or “accidentally” damaged.

Atterbery and Wilkerson noticed that their female classmates were becoming increasingly brusque in their communications, a brusqueness the two attribute to their association with Whidby’s “reality show” routine. “Frankly,” said Wilkerson, “we want to let it be known that we like our women fully clad—at least intitally.” Atterbery agreed, adding that they generally refrained from hosing down their dates. “I hope this clears the air,” added Wilkerson.

Financial News in Brief

SNACK BOX SALES RESCUE DELTA AIRLINES FROM BANKRUPTCY

DFW—A spokesperson for Delta Airlines announced today that first quarter revenue from snack box sales had resulted in record profits for the ailing airline. Darlene Kammerer, a public relations specialist, also heralded Delta’s new “austerity plan,” under which Delta would begin charging for beverages, BarfBags®, and bathroom privileges.

U.S. Headlines

FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE H. W. BUSH RUSHED TO HOSPITAL FOR EMERGENCY PATERNITY TEST

Wife Barbara Undergoes First Ever Maternity Test; Couple Remains "Hopeful"

U.S. Headlines

PRESIDENT BUSH REVEALS PLAN TO TURN IRAQ INTO WALMART MEGA-SUPERSTORE
Issues Ultimatum to Citizens: Leave or Face Continuous Employment

U.S. Headlines

PRESIDENT BUSH HANDS OVER PHONE RECORDS TO U.S. CITIZENS
Prez: “I’ve Got Yours. It’s Only Fair That You Should Have Mine.”

EDITORIAL

IT’S ONCE AGAIN TIME TO DEBATE THE REALLY IMPORTANT ISSUE: SAME SEX MARRIAGE!

By Harlan Rippington

Guest columnist Harlan Rippington is Pastor of the Last Church of Christ in Muscogee, Oklahoma

Everyone’s riled up about the debacles in Iraq and New Orleans, the NSA’s warrantless spying, prisoner abuse in Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib, bribery scandals, hookergate, extreme rendition, illegal secret prisons, the Valerie Plame scandal, porous border security, spiraling oil prices, the widening gap between rich and poor, skyrocketing national debt, and the slowing economy. I say, Get a grip! What this country really needs is legislation banning same sex marriage! As anyone who has read the story of Sodom knows, all of the aforementioned “problems” are the result of God’s wrath at us for allowing men to lie with men and women with women.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a healthy heterosexual man who actually enjoys watching a couple of good-looking women kissing and licking and talking dirty to each other, but to let them marry is a sin against all of creation! Let’s keep lesbianism where it belongs—on the internet for my personal, private enjoyment! Besides, most of the lesbians who hold hands and cozy up to each other in public are frumpy, man-hating, divorced 50 year olds. One rarely sees a pair of nubile twentysomethings in lingerie and heels getting all juiced up in the automotive aisle in WalMart. So what’s the point?

Now I know my fellow Americans are disappointed with the Republicans. I know the war in Iraq has not gone well. I know gas is over three dollars a gallon and the economy is slowing. I know we’ve got bribery scandals and we’re all being spied on illegally. But, come on! Let’s not get distracted by trivialities! We’ve got bigger fish to fry! Of course they won’t actually pass any laws, but that’s because those evil Democrats will filibuster or make some “reasonable argument” based on “constitutional guarantees.” But they’re trying. What more can you ask?

So let’s get out the vote for the senators and representatives who have the courage and stamina to stand up to the Ted Kennedys of the world and lead a rousing debate about the evils of same sex marriage EVERY TWO YEARS! Yes, EVERY TWO YEARS the Republicans try to save America! EVERY TWO YEARS the Grand Old Party sets aside the trivialities of war, corruption, national debt, and the floundering economy to focus on the SOUL OF AMERICA! So let’s get out and support them! Besides, most of the really hot lesbians on the internet aren’t lesbians at all—they’re just really, really good actresses!

Men in the News

Chuck Calabreze's Poem for Father's Day, 2006


MEN'S WORK


Letting the dog out.
Letting the dog in.
Feeding the dog.
Scooping the poops.
Googling things.
Checking the furnace.
Stopping the drip.
Watering the garden.
Snapping the photo.
Scolding the kids.
Setting the alarm.
Spoiling the ending.
Saving the doc.
Recovering the doc.
Printing the doc.
Broiling the steak.
Spraying the bugs.
Lugging the groceries.
Knowing the teams.
Finding the dog.
Naming the bird.
Knowing the time.
Tuning guitars.
Hanging the picture.
Missing the point.
Making the sandwich.
Spoiling the kids.
Pronouncing the wine.
Making the hot water hotter.

Tossing the frisbee.
Loading the trunk.
Adding the numbers.
Telling it straight.
Buying the book.
Testing the water.
Making the coffee.
Gassing the car.
Lifting the weights.
Avoiding the issue.
Pronouncing the scotch.
Watching the game.
Getting cheap flights.
Going out in the cold.
Carving the meat.
Knowing the date.
Starting the car.
Saving receipts.
Entertaining the men.
Improving the reception.
Filling the drinks.
Cashing the checks.
Lifting the sofa.
Dropping the kids.
Deleting the messages.
Changing the oil.
Remembering the number.
Finding the remote.
Checking the temperature outside.

Showing up late.
Fixing the squeak.
Calling the plumber.
Changing the bulb.
Doing the taxes.
Telling the joke.
Starting the fire.
Throwing the ball.
Talking to salesmen.
Bashing the prez.
Getting up early.
Staying up late.
Making the mess.
Finding the watch.
Singing along.
Paying the bills.
Eating the leftovers.
Picking the tunes.
Getting the mail.
Setting the buttons.
Losing the tools.
Emptying trash.
Tracking the mud in.
Restarting the computer.
Changing the tire.
Watching the news.
Kissing the wife.
Finding out where the hell that knocking sound is coming from.

Entertainment Headlines

"MAN IN BLACK" EXPERIMENTED EARLY ON WITH TWEEDS, PLAIDS, PAISLEY

"Dweeb in Tweed" One of Several Rejected Johnny Cash Monikers

Local Headlines

"ROOM TEMPERATURE ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE," LAMENTS LOCAL MAN