This Just In: News That Stays News
WISCONSIN REPUBLICAN NOT BEING INVESTIGATED
Washington--House Representative Wilbur Wright, R-Wisconsin, periodically pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, turns it on and off, and stares at it in disbelief. As the only Republican in Washington not currently being investigated for perjury, fraud, or unethical conduct, Wright is feeling alienated.
“Frankly, this is more than puzzling,” Wright stated at a sparsely attended Saturday morning press conference. “I’m as ruthless as the next guy. I don’t understand it.”
Wright brushes off supporters who point out that Washington agencies may simply have run out of investigators. “They’ve got time for Halliburton, Halliburton’s subsidiaries, Halliburton’s subsidiaries’ subsidiaries, two-bit Republican embezzlers and kick-back schemers in Iraq, Scooter Libby, Karl Rove, Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, Jack Abramoff, Ralph Reed, Robert Ney, the Republican governors of Ohio and Connecticut, the mayor of Spokane, even small time crooks like David Safavian and Tim Flanigan—I mean, come on, I’m a friggin Congressman, I deserve some attention.”
Sources close to Mr. Wright say he is planning on turning himself in for “unspecified misconduct” when Congress returns from recess.